How to survive the beer shortage

THIS week the UK faced the ultimate nightmare scenario – a beer shortage. So how can you survive without the precious, life-giving alcohol drink? Read our guide.

Become a wine buff

Take an interest in wine. When you start droning on about soil types while showing people the bottle as if it’s really interesting, you’ll know you’ve become a fully-fledged wine ponce.

Drink the absolute shite no one else will touch

Start drinking 9% horrors like Special Brew. If local street drinkers have snapped up all the Spesh and Tennents, most corner shops sell even more revolting brands with strange names like ‘Bear’s Dungeon’.

Sadly these brews tend to make you – to put it bluntly – mental, so next time you have a few beers don’t be surprised if you wake up in a petting zoo with no trousers on.

Ask for help from Alcoholics Anonymous

Visit a local AA meeting and ask them to help you give up beer but not any other type of alcohol, which you love and intend to keep drinking. They’re sure to be sympathetic.

Brew your own

Unfortunately beer takes ages to ferment, but you can always open it early and boost the alcohol content with cheap vodka. You won’t be ruining the flavour because all homebrew tastes like yeasty squirrel’s piss anyway.

Kill people for their beer

Form a Mad Max-style gang of marauders and roam around stealing beer from decent people. If they resist, show no mercy and slaughter them with axes, shotguns and flamethrowers.

Actually this is probably a bit of an overreaction. Probably better to just wait until Tesco gets some new stocks of Heineken in.

Become teetotal

Yeah right.

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Boss taking credit for team's work only contributed management bullshit

A BOSS has taken all the credit for his team’s work despite mostly just distracting them with management toss.

Manager Stephen Malley’s main input to a new marketing initiative was pointlessly insisting on being copied into every email and using tired buzz-phrases like “Can you action that?”.

Junior colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Stephen mainly just distracted people from what they were already doing, said ‘that’s great’ and wandered off to eat pastries in his office.

“He insisted I copy him into every email about the project. Then he didn’t respond to any of them, although he did come over and say something confusing about ‘SWOT analysis’.”

Malley said: “The team are great but without my overarching helicopter vision they’d be reactive not proactive and fail to identify synergies. That’s a complicated thing only us managers understand.  

“I would buy them a pint but that might give them the impression they actually contributed something.”