THIS week the UK faced the ultimate nightmare scenario – a beer shortage. So how can you survive without the precious, life-giving alcohol drink? Read our guide.
Become a wine buff
Take an interest in wine. When you start droning on about soil types while showing people the bottle as if it’s really interesting, you’ll know you’ve become a fully-fledged wine ponce.
Drink the absolute shite no one else will touch
Start drinking 9% horrors like Special Brew. If local street drinkers have snapped up all the Spesh and Tennents, most corner shops sell even more revolting brands with strange names like ‘Bear’s Dungeon’.
Sadly these brews tend to make you – to put it bluntly – mental, so next time you have a few beers don’t be surprised if you wake up in a petting zoo with no trousers on.
Ask for help from Alcoholics Anonymous
Visit a local AA meeting and ask them to help you give up beer but not any other type of alcohol, which you love and intend to keep drinking. They’re sure to be sympathetic.
Brew your own
Unfortunately beer takes ages to ferment, but you can always open it early and boost the alcohol content with cheap vodka. You won’t be ruining the flavour because all homebrew tastes like yeasty squirrel’s piss anyway.
Kill people for their beer
Form a Mad Max-style gang of marauders and roam around stealing beer from decent people. If they resist, show no mercy and slaughter them with axes, shotguns and flamethrowers.
Actually this is probably a bit of an overreaction. Probably better to just wait until Tesco gets some new stocks of Heineken in.