Man desperately in need of a real man about the house

A MAN has decided he needs a real man to come and live with him to make up for his shortcomings as a male.

Father-of-two Tom Booker is deficient as a man in a vast number of ways, ranging from being shit at DIY to being too weedy to protect his family.

Booker said: “My most visible lack of manliness is my hopeless DIY skills. I can’t even replace a plug, and I’m talking about a bathroom plug here.

“I think the simplest solution is to get a proper macho man to live with us like an au pair. He could do all the manly things l can’t, like confront the neighbours when their music’s too loud.

“Yes it would be humiliating but I need someone to do male things like teach my son how to play football. I kick the ball like a girl.”

Booker’s wife Sarah said: “If a real man moved in I wouldn’t cheat on Tom with him, except when I really needed an orgasm.”

Booker has now put an advert online asking for a strong man to come and live with him, and deeply regrets not making it clearer he is not gay.

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Waitrose closing stores because you're not good enough for them

WAITROSE is closing stores across the UK because Britons are not the ‘quality people’ they need in their shops.

The high-end supermarket says it would be making enormous profits if the public was as affluent and middle-class as they need to be to shop there.

Waitrose director Norman Steele said: “We’d love to keep the stores open, but this is what happens when you’re dealing with riff-raff.

“We’ve got stores crammed with lovely expensive things, but what do you plebs do? Come in, mooch around, then just buy some Kenco and a banana. We’re running an aspirational business here, you know.

“If you’d all tried a bit harder at school and become doctors and corporate accountants there wouldn’t be a problem. But no, you decided to be common instead.”

Martin Bishop of Manchester said: “Our local Waitrose shutting down is a terrible blow, even if I only went there occasionally because a small basket of shopping costs 50 quid.

“We thought we were Waitrose people but now we’re having to face the fact that we’re Sainsbury’s people at best. Possibly even Asda.

“House prices are going to plummet, but the worst thing is knowing you and your family are scum.”