Diego Maradona's guide to having friends over for 'wine'

HOLA! I’m footballing legend Diego Maradona and here is my guide to having a few friends round for a quiet evening with cheese, pleasant conversation and ‘wine’.

Step 1: Supplies

Make sure you have plenty of ‘wine’. Get the good shit, nothing that’s been mixed with anything. Put your ‘wine’ merchant’s number on speed dial. You don’t want to run out of ‘wine’.

Step 2: Preparation

Loosen up with a couple of ‘glasses’ of ‘white wine’ before your guests arrive. Start getting out the cheese and biscuits but decide to do it later and have some more ‘wine’ instead.

Step 3: Greet your guests  

Invite your guests in and get them some ‘wine’. Ask whether you should put a couple of pizzas in the oven. Don’t worry if no one is interested – they’re probably just saving room for the ‘wine’.

Get an interesting conversation going – for example, everyone repeatedly saying, “Fuck, this is good ‘wine’!”

Step 4: Listen to deafening rock music

The best music for an evening of cheese and ‘wine’ is 1980s rock turned up to maximum volume. The power chords and macho posturing sound great after you’ve done lots of ‘wine’.

Step 5: Threaten your neighbours

At this point your neighbours may complain because you’ve been listening to Livin’ on a Prayer on repeat for several hours. Threaten them with a firearm and calm your frayed nerves with a large glass of ‘wine’.

Step 6: Deal with the police

By now your neighbours have probably called the police. Have another ‘glass of wine’ and barricade yourself inside the house.

Step 7: Tidying up

There’s nothing worse than waking up to a mess after a gathering, so flush all your ‘wine’ down the toilet before the police smash the door in and turn your house upside down.

And that is how to have a wonderful evening with nothing stronger than a glass of ‘wine’.

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Britain braced for 'shit tattoo-wave'

THE prospect of a heatwave will force Britons to look at shit tattoos for the rest of the week and into the weekend.

High temperatures are likely to result in tattooed people revealing thousands of Celtic bands, faded British bulldogs and embarrassing children’s names.

Meteorologist Donna Sheridan said: “Coastal towns in the south of England can expect dolphins, badly-drawn images of Tweety Bird and ‘Carpe Diem’.

“In the Midlands through to the North there will be outbreaks of barbed wire with roses, huge gothic script and the occasional scattered swastika.

“Our advice is to protect yourself at all times with a high-factor sun cream smeared on your sunglasses so you can’t see these fucking abominations.”

The record numbers of crap tattoos will reach as far north as the Shetlands, where forecasts predict unattractive mermaids that have grown strangely plump as their owners got fatter.

Sheridan added: “These are highly unusual tattoo conditions. Yesterday I saw a guy with a huge tat of Green Day covering his back. Who would get that?”