The A-Level student's guide to being a wanker all summer

WITH A-Levels coming to an end, you’ve suddenly got loads of time on your hands for self-absorbed teenage crap! Here are some ideas for activities.

Form a shit band with terrible priorities

Put together a band that doesn’t do basic things like writing songs or finding a singer. Instead spend hours designing your first album cover and discussing the coolest ‘amp’.

While you’re recruiting your mate Gav – who can only play the recorder – act as if you’re already U2. No one has ever found the music industry hard to break into.

Fall in love in a shallow way

Meet that special someone who is your soulmate for life and has incredible depths to their personality. Talk about them a lot and do some secret poetry. Then have a proper conversation with them and realise they’re actually quite boring.

Relentlessly slag off where you live because you’re going to university

This is fair enough if you live on a grim South London estate or a backwater of Stoke where there’s nothing except a tyre shop and a pub that closed in 1993, but a tad self-indulgent elsewhere.

Contrary to popular teenage belief, places are not inherently shit because there isn’t a large nightclub, a venue capable of hosting the Foo Fighters or 24-hour drug dealing. You’re only going to Leicester anyway.

Make overconfident long-term plans

If you’re studying graphic design and Kelly is doing business studies, why not have your own business in New York once you graduate? You’re not sure where Rob will fit in because he’s doing chemistry, but you can easily subsidise him once you’ve made your first £10 billion.

Get a floppy one-sided haircut

These definitely do not make you look like the massive ponce Alex James out of Blur 20 years ago.

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Intern adds 'procuring and distributing varied, challenging ice-cream order' to CV

AN intern at a London office is turning her menial role bringing everyone ice-cream into proof that she is a dynamic self-starter. 

Francesca Johnson, who is being sent on six lolly runs a day, is hoping that her experience, suitably embroidered, will land her a graduate position with a blue-chip city firm.

She explained: “When I say ‘breaking down existing practice of working in silos to create greater sideways synergies’, that’s when I do lolly runs for two floors at once.

“‘Deploying social media to build brand profile’ is the Facebook account I set up for everyone to do their lolly requests on, and ‘disrupting established providers to create an unregulated marketplace’ is when I bribed security with Calippos to get rid of the ice-cream van.

“My favourite is ‘leveraged economies of scale to increase distributor margins by 250 per cent’. That’s when I got multipacks from Tesco and made myself an extra £80 a day.”

Recruitment agent Carolyn Ryan said: “This is impressive. Really impressive. Maybe we should take her on. I’m gasping for a Maxibon.”