subscribe
/ Sign Out

Smug loved-up couples not so f**king snuggly in heatwave

A SMUG loved-up couple aren’t looking so pleased with themselves in this week’s heatwave.

Self-professed ‘snuggle monsters’ Nikki Hollis and Tom Booker usually spend their nights in a happy tangle of limbs, but are now on the verge of violence after two uncomfortably warm nights.

Booker, 26, said: “I Iove to spoon and be close to Nikki, and to wake up with her still in my arms.

“But Jesus fucking Christ if she brushes me with those weird oven feet in the night again, things are going to get dark.”

Hollis added: “I love my snuggle bum so much, and I always will. But when he drenched the bed with his back sweat last night I genuinely thought about smothering him.

“And if his disgusting sticky head touches my pillow again, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

I thought everyone had a cleaner

By Eleanor Shaw

I SUPPORT social progress, justice and anti-authoritarianism. But I haven’t got time for squeezing Harpic down the loo, who has?

My important media job starts at 10am. There’s hardly space in my schedule to think up the ‘right’ moral values to impress people at dinner parties, which is why I’m not embarrassed that a foreign lady cleans my bog.

As an enlightened progressive woman, I always chat to the Ocado driver as an equal (I do the same with children and animals). But I can’t do small talk, put the tiger prawns in the fridge and be expected to sling a hoover around like some sort of stylish domestic octopus.

Besides my cleaner loves her job and said there are no objective grounds for preferring a particular culture’s moral values. Or as she put it ‘Miss Eleanor, in Bulgaria no problem.’ 

Plus I give her £10 an hour cash, on the condition she works every minute of every hour and always gives the microwave a deep intensive clean.

But to those who call me a privileged hypocrite and mock my ‘media tears’ I say this: I just genuinely thought everyone had a cleaner. 

Next story ›