EXPERIENCED Munich’s festival of outdoor beer-swilling and keen to attract similar drunken overspending to your provincial piss-pot parish? Go ahead:
Find suitable locations
In Munich, the festival occupies every park with hundreds of benches and marquees hosting seven million a year. In your town? There’s Lidl car park and the primary school’s sports field which will be free over half-term. Hire the latter, but do not be persuaded to give free drinks to teachers. You have no conception of how much teachers drink.
Get permission
To serve alcohol a license must be obtained from the local council, and law enforcement informed. Clear both in advance with an evening buying G&Ts at the local golf club. Though you may struggle to get approval from the parish council after a previous dispute over planning permission concluded with you keying the leader’s car.
Contact breweries
No Oktoberfest can take place without enormous quantities of warm, pissy beer, just as the Germans like it. Ignore local microbreweries and their homebrewed turnip IPAs and go straight to the source: a brewing giant willing to sell you whatever gassy lager isn’t even good enough to be sold as Aldi’s Galahad brand.
Source stodge
The Bavarian palate is not a refined one, so the food provided needs only to be able to absorb alcohol. Meat, potatoes and stale bread will pretty much cover it. Partner up with a local prison and ask which meal is best for sending convicts into a stupefied coma, and serve large portions of that. Constipation saves on Portaloos.
Recruit staff
Oktoberfest waitresses take ten per cent of the beer they sell, are blonde, heavily built enough to carry 30 steins at once and have big boobs. Pop by any local rugby club and ask who’s up for dressing as women in pigtails and braided crowns. All will volunteer; pick those you consider sexy. No judgement.
Provide entertainment
Presuming your village isn’t harbouring a secret Nazi fugitive and his oompah band, you’ll need music. The X-Factor tryout from the local pub or the Status Quo tribute act may be too classy. Instead stream classic German hits 99 Luftballons, Wind of Change and Girl You Know It’s True through a Bluetooth speaker.
Hope it doesn’t piss down
You’ve done your very best to make sitting outside while getting wrecked seem like an exotic activity. All you need now is decent weather so your gathering of pissheads stays put long enough to make money. Also, do watch out for moustached men with monorchism trying to incite drinkers into a fascist revolution. It’s been a problem.
