THE US is to livestream a man’s execution and promises that, unlike certain other recent executions, the victim will definitely die this time. 

Testosterone-crazed US Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who has never been in a fight, announced yesterday that the execution of mass-shooter Nidal Hasan by firing squad will be available for public viewing and this time they will not screw it up.

Texan death enthusiast Royton Hobbs said: “The US used to lead the world in executions, until Biden. But now, under Trump, we’re going to see a man die right here on my phone.

“The fake news networks may not broadcast it because they’re afraid of real entertainment but the whole country’s watching this guy die and won’t be no getting up and walking away from bullets.

“Okay, it didn’t work with the other lady, there’s no hiding from that. She survived not one but two lethal injections so now she’s in credit and can commit a second murder free.

“But this is Pete Hegseth we’re talking about! The guy behind our incredible success in Iran! No way he’ll mess it up by getting blind drunk, demanding to do the shooting himself, missing and killing the cameraman.”

Liberal New Yorker Donna Sheridan said: “I am predictably shocked and outraged etcetera, but it won’t happen. This is America. When we livestream executions they’ll be pay-per-view.”