'I just can’t seem to lose weight' says man drinking 15th pint of week

A MAN has complained about his inability to lose weight, midway through his 15th pint of the week.

Health fanatic Martin Bishop, 30, said “No matter what type of diet or exercise I follow, I never seem to be able to lose those few extra pounds”, before pausing to take another sip.

“In particular I can’t seem to shift this portly belly that just sort of juts out like a miserable pregnancy.

“It can’t be my diet. I always choose whatever the healthiest thing is on the pub menu.”

He added: “I guess it’s just a genetic thing, my Dad had the same problem with his weight. Or maybe society just needs to accept this is who I am and that my body shape is as valid as – sorry yes, another IPA please – as anyone else’s.

“I’m going to start some sort of campaign.”

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'Young people are bad with money' says woman spent £85 on Princess Diana plate

A WOMAN who once spent £85 on a Princess Diana memorial plate from the back of magazine believes that young people are bad with money.

Helen Archer lamented the indulgent habits of Britain’s millennials from her house which is full of the worst sh*t imaginable.

Standing in front of an eight-foot-square canvas of a mother and baby unrelated to her, and next to a large wrought-iron duck, Archer said: “Young people complain about not being able to buy houses, then waste their money on coffees and mobile phones.

“How much does a coffee cost? Add them up and you’re probably looking at £600 quid a month straight away.”

Leafing through a ‘Best of British Memorabilia’ catalogue, Archer added: “A fancy mobile phone will be obsolete in a year. But this ceramic bulldog smoking a cigar will last forever.”