Is two bottles of vodka a day too much?

EVERYONE likes a tipple, but is cracking open that second bottle of vodka going too far? Take our test and find out.

What time and day is it?

A) I desperately hope it is not Monday morning.

B) Saturday or… Thursday? Not sure about the time. Probably ‘vodka o’clock’.

Are you meant to be at work?

A) Oh God. Two hours late again. Gotta go – after drinking a pint of water and hoping no one will notice I slept in my clothes.  

B) Nah. Got sacked months ago. I’m chillaxing to the max, like David Cameron.

Have you got any mixers or ice?

A) Yes. I have my first two tumblers of vodka with slimline tonic to help deny I’ve got a problem.

B) Why yes of course, your Majesty. I also have clean mugs, furniture not covered in fag burns and posh ‘curtains’ on the windows.

Have you been the focus of an intervention lately?

A) I managed to avert it by promising to cut down. By which I meant to a sensible 1.5 litres of vodka a day.

B) They tried but I saw them coming and hid in the park. After going to the offie, obviously.

Could you not drink that second bottle of vodka if you wanted to?

A) Absolutely. Last Wednesday I had six bottles of wine, which is totally different.

B) I’d like to see you try and stop me. But please try and stop me.

Mostly As: Two bottles of vodka a day is negatively impacting your work success and life expectancy. Keep it down to a normal one bottle of vodka a day and reap the benefits.

Mostly Bs: You’re fine! Things like having no job, no partner and a broken toilet are just temporary glitches. And nothing another delicious glass of vodka won’t sort out. Cheers!

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Mum who found teenage son reading White Dwarf magazine wishes he'd been wanking

A MOTHER who accidentally walked in on her son reading fantasy gaming magazine White Dwarf wishes he had been masturbating instead.

Francesca Johnson, who entered her son’s room without knocking, fears the publication will condemn him to a life of painting dwarf miniatures, the Games Workshop and celibacy.

Johnson said: “It’s the moment every mum dreads – walking on in your son furiously reading Warhammer space marine painting tips.

“Why couldn’t he have been wanking over disgusting internet porn like a normal teenager? I deactivated the router’s parental controls specifically to prevent this. 

“He’s getting a completely distorted view of life. He probably thinks he can mention his frag cannon and combat dice and girls will want to jump into bed and do everything.

“If my parents had caught me with this sort of stuff they’d have sat me down and gone through the whole magazine to show me how tragically nerdy it is.”

Son Toby said: “Mum’s worrying about nothing. I completely understand White Dwarf is an exaggerated portrayal of tabletop warfare that real life gaming can’t possibly live up to.”