Trump found not guilty by a jury of his mates

PRESIDENT Trump has been acquitted by a jury of his supporters, party members and close personal friends. 

The president, who withdrew state aid from the Ukraine for not investigating his Democratic opponents, was luckily cleared of the entirely proven charges by Republican senators who support him. 

Senator John Boozman of Arkansas said: “We, the president’s close political allies who depend on him to remain in power, have considered the evidence and found him to be on our side. 

“We did not allow the calling of any witnesses, because they would only have got in the way of our overwhelming support for this great man. 

“We did retire to consider the charges, but we just sat around saying ‘High-five if you love Trump,’ then high-fiving.

“Then we all voted, in the great tradition of democracy, to find our friend innocent and his accusers guilty, wrong and not worthy of office. As the American people demanded.” 

Trump later tweeted that Senator Boozman was ‘a Boozer and a LOSER! Sad!’ after mistaking him for a Democrat, and then went to bed.

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Are you a dog person, a cat person or someone capable of nuance?

ALL people can be divided into which of two domestic pets they prefer, unless you are someone who is in any way open to subtlety. Which are you? 

Dog person

You love going for walks with a loyal companion whose faeces you collect in crinkly little bags, and hate the idea of a companion not obsessively fixated on your approval that could not survive without you.

There is no way you could never have a pet cat because they don’t leap up when you enter the house, filling the void inside you.

Cat person

You want a pet which is independent, like you are, and seems not to suffer terrible, crushing loneliness because of it, like you want to learn to be.

Having your clothes and possessions covered in fine hairs at all times is fine with you, as is having to buy the affections of an animal with pouches of chicken liver because inside you know you don’t really deserve love.

Person who understands it’s not that simple

Your identity is not based on attachment to a non-verbal furball and you are content to live in a world of uncertainty, variety and change.

By rejecting the pet binary you forge your own path in the world, striding ahead and refusing to be defined by pedestrian choices. You are also someone nobody really knows, trusts or likes.