New employee blissfully unaware of who she should hate

A NEW employee is enjoying the grace period where she does not yet know who in her office she will despise. 

Emma Bradford has begun a new job as a marketing co-ordinator and has yet to become ensnared in the intricate web of office politics that will dictate her every interaction at work for the next decade. 

She said: “Before long I’ll be co-opted into a friendship group which will dictate when I eat, which TV shows to watch and what I think of every other person I work with. 

“But until then I have this brief window living in a fantasy world where everyone is nice to me without underlying, murderous tensions about who always gets to go to the London conference, the bitch. 

“I’m making the most of it. I flit between different groups, gathering vital information on each, and tomorrow I’m lunching with the guy everyone avoids, just to find out why.” 

Colleague Susan Traherne said: “It’s great to see Clare enjoying chatting to Oliver in accounts because it’s the last time she ever will.” 

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Go on, piss off, gyms tell January joiners

EVERYONE who joined a gym in January has been emailed asking them to please stop attending if they have not already. 

The new joiners have been informed that their month of gym use is up and they are overdue to give up on their dream of health and fitness, so please piss off and stop clogging up the machines for real members.

Gym owner Steve Malley said: “Come on. You know you’re going to quit. Stop making this difficult for all of us.

“The regulars have been very good about you all coming in and sweating all over their equipment in your brand new lycra, but we’re into February now and it’s getting beyond a joke.

“The email should get rid of about 80 per cent of the stragglers. Those who persist will be given a free session with a personal trainer who’ll explain exactly what it takes to get as ripped as them and why you’ll never achieve it.

“Don’t book a spin class. It’s embarrassing for all of us. Off you f**k.”

New gym member Carolyn Ryan said: “I’m glad they reached out. I was sick of it. And because I can’t cancel my membership, they waive next January’s joining fee.”