Wednesday, 26th February 2020

Five made-up crises to be angry about now immigration is over

BRITAIN’S fictional immigration crisis is at an end thanks to Brexit, so what will Middle Englanders raise their blood pressure about now? Try these: 

Gender-neutral toilets

You could spend weeks searching for a gender-neutral loo in most of the country, so now’s the time to claim Gents and Ladies toilets are being outlawed and innocent children must defecate next to burly, bearded men in frocks. Ignore the clash with your belief that Britain is in the grip of Sharia law.

The face mask shortage

The coronavirus is here and it’s an absolute outrage that you can’t buy a years’ supply of face masks for you and your family. Why hasn’t the government been stockpiling them? Why is the NHS once again letting you, who isn’t ill, down?

Greta Thunberg’s plan to ban cars

The tiny Nordic eco-warrior’s relentless crusade to return the world to the Middle Ages will inevitably end in the banning of all cars, buses and even ambulances from British roads within the next 18 months. Need to get to hospital urgently? Sorry, Greta says you’ll have to walk.

Meghan Markle’s secret plot to become Queen

Not content with poisoning Prince Harry’s mind against his family and his beloved British tabloids, scheming Markle is plotting to kill her way to the throne using voodoo dolls, occultism, a witch doctor and other racist stereotypes.

Veganism to become law

The mere fact that Subway is doing a vegan sandwich means that we have only months to stop veganism becoming law. You can only fight this by continuing to eat meat which is freely available everywhere, just as you already do.