Boris Johnson's guide to breaking promises

WANT to look good? Tell everyone what they want to hear and make promises you have no intention of keeping. The prime minister explains how to lie your way to the top. 

Promise only for an unspecified future

Yesterday I threw out a few pledges about the environment that won’t happen for decades, if ever, and certainly won’t be my problem. Use similar ploys in everyday life: promise your daughter she can have that pony, but neglect to say you meant in 2055, when she’s 46.

Keep it vague 

Impress your boss by saying ‘I can guarantee real, bottom-line cost savings, Jeff.’ When, six months later, you’ve saved £1.35 by buying fractionally cheaper biros, you have delivered on that promise.

Cross your fingers

It is established in English statute law that crossing your fingers, even if behind your back, negates all promises. It’s tricky during sex but trust me it’s possible.

Associate exclusively with the gullible

Cultivate friendships with credulous dunces like my Brexit fanbase. If someone says ‘You promised to help me move flat on Saturday, so where were you?’ reply, ‘Sorry, Emma, MI6 called at the last minute again. Saved the world, yeah. Anyway, how about a shag?’

Only concern yourself with the very short-term

I’ll say anything to get through the 30 seconds of an interview. So if you want to get into someone’s pants by promising them a trip on your luxury yacht, go for it, even if you only work part-time at Asda. You won’t be found out for at least a day. In Boris time, that’s forever.

Don’t care about getting caught

So you lied? Big deal. It was only to avoid momentary difficulties and get what you wanted, so it’s fine, you’re happy, that’s all that matters. Psychiatrists call this sociopathic, but I can promise you it’s all just jolly Johnson fun.

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Five Shakespearean actors who would voice Peppa Pig while considering it beneath them

PEPPA Pig’s voice actor has been replaced by an unknown, to the outrage of the great British stage actors who auditioned and failed. Here they are: 

Sir Patrick Stewart

Renowned as one of the greats even though he’s known solely for playing Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek and didn’t even do a French accent for that, Stewart was desperate for the role and would have claimed it was ‘for his grandchildren’.

Dame Judi Dench

An actress whose career choices are even more mercenary than Sir Michael Caine’s, Dench intended to refer to Peppa as ‘porcine royalty’ and to take it all very seriously while demanding none of the other voice actors make eye contact.

Sir Ian McKellen

Famous for heavyweight roles like King Lear, Gandalf and Magneto, McKellen thought he had ‘the Swine’ in the bag after intoning ‘You shall not pass’ at Madame Gazelle. Planned to call it ‘tremendous fun’ on chat shows while trousering £1.2m per episode.

Dame Maggie Smith

Could bring a staunch Britishness to the part like no other, as she did to Downton Abbey, but would be unable to hide her clear contempt for the scripts and especially Pedro Pony. Child viewers would feel belittled.

Dame Emma Thompson

Would throw herself embarrassingly into the role, insisting on performing her own snorts, having thoroughly disabused herself of the notion anything was beneath her after Last Christmas. Fired after six episodes because kids hate her even more than adults do.