Living life to the full 'not the same as getting pissed every day'

A CONTROVERSIAL new study suggests that leading a rich and full life might not necessarily involve getting shitfaced as often as possible.

The Institute for Studies has put forward the theory that it is possible to have a worthwhile existence while drinking as little as a half of lager a day.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It sounds crazy, I know, but there may be such a thing as a fulfilling day that does not involve alcohol as a very large component, indeed perhaps its only component.

“If you’ve done something uplifting and enjoyable, say a country walk, common sense says you should reward yourself with several pints afterwards, otherwise what the hell was all that about?

“But now scientists are beginning to explore the theory that you could actually cut beer out of the scenario entirely. Have a cup of tea, perhaps, then go to bed early.

“You might even wake up in the morning without a hangover feeling all refreshed and positive. More research is needed to find out if this could actually happen.”

However rival researcher Professor Norman Steele said: “The study is clearly flawed. Alcohol is necessary for the enjoyment of everything, from watching TV to the miraculous birth of your child.”

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Late night trip to Tesco still oddly thrilling

GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed. 

Despite large supermarkets being open 24-hours for many years, shoppers still enjoy feeling like naughty criminals who have broken in as they prowl the aisles in the middle of the night.

Nathan Muir said: “When I was a young stoner we dreamed of being able to go to Tesco at 3am to buy Rizlas and an abnormal number of Twixes, but we had to do a six-mile round trip to the nearest petrol station instead.

“So even now I’m a 40-year-old father of three and just going in to buy emergency nappies because our littlest one has sh*t all over the place, I still get a sense of illicit triumph that I’m in a shop when I’m not meant to be.

“Of course, any pleasure is soon extinguished by interacting with the poor sods who have to put tins of Pedigree Chum on shelves at an unearthly hour, like some retail-based legion of the damned. 

“But to be honest I’d rather do that than clean up baby sh*t, so it’s swings and roundabouts really.”