Tedious bastard decides his personality is 'meat eater'

A MAN without much personality has decided to compensate by constantly telling people how into meat he is.

Unremarkable office worker Martin Bishop recently switched to an almost totally meat-based conversational style which he thinks is rugged and masculine.

Bishop said: “I love meat. Big thick juicy steaks, a leg of lamb roasting in the oven. There’s just no substitute if you want to be manly but think riding a motorbike is too dangerous.

“Sure I talk about it a lot, but what’s wrong with that? There’s no way people could get bored with interminable conversations about meat when they’re not actually eating it or trying to get on with some work.

“I’m thinking of buying a whole pig and roasting it in a fire pit. No, please don’t put your headphones in. This interesting. And manly.”

Bishop believes women are particularly impressed by his meat consumption, at one point having a 15-minute conversation with co-worker Donna Sheridan about chicken drumsticks.

She said: “Martin thinks banging on about meat makes him into some sort of sexually irresistible tough guy. But I don’t think I’ll sleep with him now that he’s going to have a heart attack.”

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The idiot's guide to changing your name

WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.

Don’t give yourself a stupid macho name

Names like Brad, Tyler and Wolf may sound cool now, but if you get married in the near future and the vicar has to say “Do you take Maverick Brett Tyson Kirk to be your lawful wedded husband?” the church will be flooded with p*ss. 

Stick with your ethnicity

If you’re a red-headed, pale-skinned Scot called Fergus McGregor it’s unlikely you’re going to be able to pass yourself off as a Rajesh Singh. Opt for a sensible compromise, eg. Angus McPatel.

Beware of dodgy acronyms

Remember that some companies and organisations will use your initials instead of your full name. Be careful not to give yourself initials that will come back to haunt you, eg. by Adam Roger Steve Ellis.

Don’t pick an obviously celebrity-based name

As with choosing a name for a child, don’t go with anything that is blatantly based on a contemporary famous person, such as Beyonce Smith, Scarlett-Jo Wilson or Statham Rock Lightfoot.

Avoid spoonerisms at all costs

Names like Ricky Steer and Betty Swalls should be avoided for obvious reasons.

Be aware that changing your name is a giant ballsache

Having to fill in a deed poll form and then contact every organisation in the entire history of the world is an enormous hassle, so ask if you really want to do it. Maybe you could just wear a fake moustache, glasses and nose combo instead?