Man horrified to receive birthday card from mate

AFTER years of friendship, a man has been given a card from a mate for no comprehensible reason other than that it was his birthday. 

Breaking all the rules of male bonding, Stephen Malley received a card from Tom Logan with a yacht on the front and the gushing, over-emotional message ‘Happy Birthday Ste’ inscribed inside.

Malley said: “Tom gave me the card in the pub. He gestured to open it. I did, and read what he’d written. It was a full three minutes before either of us spoke.

“Why would he do this? Is he in touch with his feelings or something like that? And why a yacht? Is it banter, because I can’t swim? I clung to the hope it was a cruel jibe intended to humiliate me but he seemed horrifyingly sincere.

“It sat there on the table like a big, flat, bright yellow, oblong elephant of embarrassment. When the others arrived they never stopped taking the piss, apologising for not getting me one or saying they’d posted it so it would be more special.

“It’s started a chain reaction of awkwardness, idiotic pranks and mockery that will last a lifetime. What was he thinking?”

Logan said: “My wife made me. I knew it was a f**king stupid idea.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

99 per cent of lives continuing entirely as normal

MORE than 99 per cent of British lives have unfolded with breathtaking normality since last Thursday evening, ordinary people have confirmed. 

Across the country, millions have registered the news, expressed routine condolences, and continued to go to work, to the shops and to the pub as if very little in their lives had changed which objectively it has not.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Yeah, I don’t watch daytime BBC so I’m largely unaffected.

“Sad for the family and all that isn’t it? But I didn’t really know her. I’m told she did a fantastic job but then they’re saying that about the new King, so no big change.”

Call centre worker Lucy Parry agreed: “I was out with my mate this weekend and I thought it would come up. It didn’t, because we were mainly talking about Hayley having been dumped by Finn in a WhatsApp group. Not one-on-one, actually in the group.

“Then on Sunday, after I’d cleared my hangover, I went for a Nando’s and to see that Idris Elba film where he fought the lion, so having a new head of state didn’t affect any of that.

“Apparently there’s a bank holiday on Monday, for the funeral? But I’m on shift.”