Paddington hits out at marmalade sandwich ban on GB News

PADDINGTON Bear has railed against the banning of marmalade sandwiches from the gates of Buckingham Palace on GB News. 

The bear, beloved by children and adults alike, condemned the ‘woke mob’, ‘cancel culture’ and ‘political correctness’ for the decision to ban people from placing marmalade sandwiches in tribute to the Queen.

Paddington said: “The Britain I know believed in freedom of speech. I didn’t realise we were living in China where laying a sandwich on the ground got you arrested and hauled to the gulag.

“The public has the right to pay their respects however they like. As an immigrant from darkest Peru, I felt honoured by their gesture, until woker-than-thou palace officials stamped on that respect.

“I’m the last one to play the race card but that’s what’s happening here. These are the same people burning statues of Churchill and demanding cycle lanes. Again we see the snarling, sneering faces of the intolerant so-called tolerant left.”

Presenter Nigel Farage said: “The Paddington segment has been a ratings hit for us. We’re going to invite him back for his common sense opinions on Remoaners, the trans community and Meghan Markle.”

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Britain salutes Queen by queuing

THE UK has honoured the late Queen Elizabeth with a magnificent display of the nation’s favourite activity, queuing. 

Grief-stricken Britons have come together to form massive lines shuffling silently into the night to enter a building and look at something then go home.

Queuer Susan Traherne said: “Since the moment I heard last Thursday, I’ve felt the overwhelming urge to stand behind my fellow countrymen in a row.

“The radio said there was a queue on and that it might last through the night and I was straight down here. I can’t tell you how healing it’s been. God bless her, she knew it was what we needed.

“None of us have talked to each other and nobody’s making it into a celebration of her life. When someone doesn’t move forward fast enough they’re tutted at. The most joyous thing you’ll see is a flask of tepid tea. It’s marvellous.

“I like to think Her Majesty is looking down on us as we snake through the small hours without complaint, nobody shoving or barging, and giving us an almost imperceptible smile of approval.”

She added: “I haven’t felt this proud to be British since the Boxing Day sale at Next.”