SETTLING into the school term? Looking to really get your education started by drawing a big old dick in a physics textbook? Follow these steps:
Placement
Only amateurs and year sevens choose a blank page. The skilled select, like Banksy, the perfect setting to juxtapose a biro sketch of a big, jizzing dick against. Any Biblical illustration, any portrait of William Gladstone, and if doing geography remember Norway and Sweden make a marvellous big droopy knob while Finland provides the nutsack.
Practice
Like Cro-Magnon man daubing a big Johnson on the walls of his cave, your first few drawings may be crude, lacking depth and detail. Keep going and you’ll undergo your own artistic renaissance, discover chiaroscuro, shading and three-point perspective, and by half-term your dicks will be anatomically precise apart from their ungodly size.
Priapic
The history of cock-rendering always focuses on the phallus at its fullest. Nobody ever draws a flaccid penis or one that’s been in a cold shower, though you’d imagine Cezanne would make a good go of it. So why break with tradition? Accept that you’ll spend your education drawing dicks erect and proud.
Pubes
When it comes to pubes, less is not more. More is more. Go full bush, a real jungle of wiry hairs, the base of the dick resembling a feral badger more than any kind of realistic sex organ. Have the pubes snaking all over the page too. Who cares about calculating the area of a trapezoid?
Spunk
Finally, the crowning glory of your art: ejaculation. Here it’s not about realism but capturing the essence, the power, the motion. So sketch out a series of dotted lines emanating from the bellend like a machine-gun of spunk. The further the jizz goes across the page, the funnier it is.
