How to draw a dick on a textbook: a guide for new pupils

SETTLING into the school term? Looking to really get your education started by drawing a big old dick in a physics textbook? Follow these steps: 


Only amateurs and year sevens choose a blank page. The skilled select, like Banksy, the perfect setting to juxtapose a biro sketch of a big, jizzing dick against. Any Biblical illustration, any portrait of William Gladstone, and if doing geography remember Norway and Sweden make a marvellous big droopy knob while Finland provides the nutsack.


Like Cro-Magnon man daubing a big Johnson on the walls of his cave, your first few drawings may be crude, lacking depth and detail. Keep going and you’ll undergo your own artistic renaissance, discover chiaroscuro, shading and three-point perspective, and by half-term your dicks will be anatomically precise apart from their ungodly size.


The history of cock-rendering always focuses on the phallus at its fullest. Nobody ever draws a flaccid penis or one that’s been in a cold shower, though you’d imagine Cezanne would make a good go of it. So why break with tradition? Accept that you’ll spend your education drawing dicks erect and proud.


When it comes to pubes, less is not more. More is more. Go full bush, a real jungle of wiry hairs, the base of the dick resembling a feral badger more than any kind of realistic sex organ. Have the pubes snaking all over the page too. Who cares about calculating the area of a trapezoid?


Finally, the crowning glory of your art: ejaculation. Here it’s not about realism but capturing the essence, the power, the motion. So sketch out a series of dotted lines emanating from the bellend like a machine-gun of spunk. The further the jizz goes across the page, the funnier it is.

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Saluting the Horse, and other Royal succession traditions

THE loss of a monarch and the instatement of a new ruler comes with pomp, pageantry and wonderful traditions dating back centuries. Look for these: 

The Saluting of the Horse

When leaving Westminster Abbey this week, King Charles III is required to formally salute the Duke of Buccleugh’s horse. The tradition began after the coronation of William III in 1689 when King William, who was short-sighted, greeted the Duke of Buccleugh’s horse believing it was the Duke and the Duke was too embarassed to say anything.

The Seven Chimney Sweep Witnesses 

Seven chimney sweeps who reside within five miles of Buckingham Palace must be present throughout all ceremonies or ‘greate perill will befall ye kingdom’, a custom dating from King Charles I’s coronation when sweeps foiled an assassination plot by turnip-throwers. Due to the shortage of chimney sweeps, retired 92-year-old Bill McKay is back to work for a single day.

Kipper Breakfast

King Charles will be served two smoked kippers for breakfast every day this week. They must have been caught between the first and fifth high tide prior to his ascension to the throne, and must be smoked over a fire using wood from an oak grown on the southern slope of Snowdon and felled by the Archbishop of Cardiff. It is not known why or when this tradition started.

The National Emblems

Look closely and you’ll see a leek in Charles’s top pocket. Every monarch since the formation of the union has been required to carry the emblems of the home nation: a leek in his pocket for Wales, flax in his hair for Northern Ireland, a rose between his teeth for England and a thistle tucked in his waistband for Scotland. Wales is not represented by a daffodil because in 1952 the shop had run out.

The Right of Overthrow

At the start of Sunday’s church service, the Archbishop of Canterbury must declare ‘Does anyone claim the Right of Overthrow?’ At this point the second in line to the throne can reply ‘I claim that right’ and the rivals must fight with swords right there in the aisle. This clause of the Magna Carta has never been invoked out of politeness.

The Unlucky Flagstones

King Charles will walk very carefully through Westminster Abbey with his head bowed to avoid stepping on a crack between the Abbey’s flagstones. In 1694, Mary II died aged only 32 of smallpox, blamed on her stumbling on a crack in the flagstones. The superstition is thought to have inspired a similar scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.