Couple solemnly commence first shag of Carolean era

AS Britain enters a bold new era, one couple reverentially made love for the first time under the reign of King Charles III. 

Jordan Gardner and Charlotte Phelps of Kings Norton agreed the time was right for them to resume their sex lives and consummate the rule of the new King by having an afternoon quickie.

Post-coitally, Jordan explained: “As proud monarchists, like all young people, we thought it appropriate to hold off full relations for a few days following the nation’s tragedy. Of course we’ve done oral to tide us over, but with a deep degree of respect and reverence.

“But this afternoon seemed like the right time for us to commence our first lovemaking of the Carolean age. Perhaps it was the afrodisiac effect of the crisp sandwiches we enjoyed for lunch.

“So, we stood for the national anthem, placed a towel on the sofa and saluted a photo of our new king – and I challenge anyone not to be wildly aroused after that – before making sweet, pro-Royal love.

“In accordance with custom, I finished most satisfactorily and it’s my assumption that Charlotte did too. Then we turned the sound back up on BBC1.”

Partner Phelps said: “Everyone’s talking about this being a brand new age for the country, but Jordan’s as useless at foreplay as ever.”

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Woman fully aware that man would like friendship to be something more, thanks

A WOMAN is entirely cognisant that her male mate believes they could be more than just friends, thank you very much. 

Sophie Rodriguez is hyperalert for any conversation with pal Joe Turner straying onto the subject of romance, fulfilling relationships or the importance of emotional connection over physical attraction because she knows exactly where that shit is headed.

She continued: “I like Joe, though I could never say that to his face. I have to be careful not to set him off.

“He’s great for a night at the movies, or hanging out with a large group of friends, or anything else that not even the most deluded person could ever think was a date. Sometimes he thinks it’s a date.

“I tend to avoid him for a bit so he doesn’t get the wrong idea, then I feel sorry for him and ask if he fancies meeting for brunch, then I end brunch early because I can see his eyes getting wet and I’m afraid he’s going to confess something we’ll both regret.

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m deluding myself and he’s actually just a pal, then he likes 72 posts on my Instagram at 3am and buys me a £90 Zara jacket ‘I’ll look beautiful in’ and all my fears are confirmed.”

Turner said: “I just need to pluck up the courage to tell her how I really feel. She’ll be surprised, but I bet she feels the same way too.”