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Man invoices employer for how much he'd have drunk if he went to works do

A MAN unable to attend his office Christmas party has invoiced his employer for the amount he would have drunk if he had.

Martin Bishop of Wrexham cannot attend today’s company-wide event because he has a prior family arrangement, so has requested the monetary value of the alcohol he would have consumed, totalling £368.25.

He said: “Ask any of the lads in Legal, I’m quite a drinker. And it’s a fancy hotel so booze won’t come cheap.

“F**k the cost of the meal, I’m happy to forego that. But put me down for two bottles of champagne minimum. More if the CEO gets carried away in his speech.

“After that it’s cocktails and they’re a tenner each and mostly ice so I down them fast. Honestly, £100 in there and I’ve barely got a buzz on.

“By that point the lightweights and those with families they like enough to go home to have faded away and it’s down to the hardcore, all clustered around Mike who has the company card. We’d keep going until 3am easy. Hence the bill.”

Nikki Hollis of accounts said: “I’ve passed it for payment. And I’ve got HR to put a written warning in the post, because if Martin had sunk that much he’d have grabbed my arse.”

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Clarkson's next six hate figures who are coincidentally all women

JEREMY Clarkson has listened to the backlash. He has learnt. And he will move on to hating these other people who also all happen to be women.

Nicola Sturgeon

Jezza’s old faithful. When he’s not thinking he’s terribly daring for spouting borderline racism, the ex Top Gear host is ripping into the SNP leader with alarming regularity. Is this his way of protesting too much? Does he hope her pity will morph into affection and eventually love? You can do a lot better, Nicola.

Greta Thunberg

A triple threat in Clarkson’s beady, hate-filled eyes. She’s young, she’s a she, and she prefers electric cars. Once the furore surrounding his latest column dies down, expect Clarkson to repeat his familiar cycle of saying dumb shit, getting loads of attention, then delivering a half-hearted non-apology that misses the point. It’s his tried-and-tested career model.

Amber Heard

Does Clarkson have any genuine opinions about the American actress? F**k knows. But she’s a controversial figure who’s in the public eye again at the moment, so it’s his moral obligation as a tabloid hack to bash out 700 bile-filled words and drive clicks to The Sun’s website. And they’ll be written. In short sentences. Like this.

JK Rowling

You’d think Clarkson and the Harry Potter author would be kindred spirits. They both once enjoyed being adored by the public. They were the figureheads of brands beloved by millions. Then they both pissed all that good will away by spouting offensive shit on the internet. Jezza only hates her though because he never got a cameo in one of her films.

Beyoncé

No, he’ll reassure you, it has nothing to do with that deeply problematic ‘cellular level’ stuff he wrote in his column about Meghan. He hates Beyoncé on entirely different and justified grounds. Mainly that she is a stark reminder of where genuine talent and charisma can get you. Meanwhile he has to scrape a living generating outrage.

Emily Clarkson

Jezza’s daughter, his own flesh and blood, will find herself in his crosshairs after having the nerve to call him out for being a misogynistic twat. Expect him to kick off an exclusive series where he publishes pages from her teenage diary in a petty act of revenge. Sounds unlikely? This is a man who punched a TV minion for offering him a meat and cheese platter.

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