Sponsored deportations, the perfect Christmas gift. With Suella Braverman

LOOKING for a last-minute gift, but can’t find anything callous and vindictive enough? I know the feeling, so here’s how to give a loved one a sponsored deportation this Christmas.

It’s a lot like adopting a baby giraffe, but for racists and immigration obsessives rather than children. Your money will go toward arresting the immigrant, detaining them in inhumane conditions and a one-way flight to Rwanda. For just £45 the recipient will get a deportation pack, containing:

A photo and full biography of your deportee

Obviously some of them will be claiming to be fleeing war or persecution for their religion, political views or sexuality. We know this is bollocks, so we’ll correct it to ‘illegal scrounger’.

A certificate of deportation 

This confirms that the illegal immigrant has left the UK and is en route to an uncertain future in Rwanda. (Note: There may be a delay in this arriving due to entirely bogus legal challenges by Marxist ‘human rights’ lawyer traitors who we hope eventually to have shot.)

A car sticker 

Spread the word about forced deportation! This amusing car sticker shows a dark-skinned foreigner stalking a white woman at night, with the fun message: ‘I’m sending the bastards back!’

The gift recipient’s name on a plaque in Rwanda

Whoever you give the gift to will have their name added to a plaque at the migrant’s hotel under the words ‘And don’t f**king come back!’. Obviously it may not be a hotel, maybe a dangerously overcrowded fire-risk hostel, or a prison camp complete with daily beatings. We can only hope.

Regular updates

Every month there’ll be an update to let you know the immigrant is still stuck in Rwanda, unable to raise the funds to leave, possibly in a state of depression, and won’t be coming to England for free pizza and a cushy life on income support. Hurrah!

A stuffed toy 

These delightful immigrant dolls are ideal for sticking to a dartboard and using as target practise. Or sometimes I like to get one and grind it into the floor with my heels in a frenzy, screaming as I finally rip its head off, until a civil servant calls for the doctor again. I’ve got through 60 so far, they’re that much fun!

Order your sponsored deportation now! 

Simply visit www.home-office.gov.uk and pay with any recognised bank or debit card. Order within 24 hours for guaranteed delivery by the 25th.

So help deport a lying, scheming foreigner today. It’s the ideal gift for the Brexiter, Ukipper or, since there’s not much difference these days, Tory voter in your life. Merry Christmas one and all!

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Now add gold leaf, says Jamie

JAMIE Oliver has used his new Christmas special to advise giving Brussels sprouts and tired old turkey a bit of pizzazz with a touch of gold leaf. 

The chef suggested that creating a Yuletide feast everyone would remember was a simple matter of adding chestnuts, crispy pancetta, orange-blossom honey glaze and edible gold leaf, available at just £4.75 for two sheets.

He said: “Gold leaf is my top tip for smashing Christmas veg. It’s that perfect little touch that elevates this from being an ordinary meal to something special.

“It’s definitely not that I’ve done gravy, roast potatoes, turkey and stuffing a hundred million f**king times, am more jaded than a dockside whore, and I’m flailing around to find random ways to make this different.

“Actually, it’s that gold leaf over the parsnips and the Brussels is special and necessary and you’ll love it. What’s another fiver at this time of year? Happy days.

“Imagine the majesty of your Boxing Day bowel movement speckled with gold. You eat it, you crap it out, you flush it away. It’s like a metaphor for Christmas.

“Anyway. Add gold leaf.”