Man who gets pissed after two pints still claiming he’s ‘allergic’

A MAN who is hammered after two pints still claims it is a ‘medical problem’, friends have confirmed.

Junior solicitor Nathan Muir has proved unable to manage more than an hour down the pub without being visibly smashed, but continues to insist this is because of alcohol intolerance.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “I was with Nathan the first time he got paralytically drunk on half a bottle of Echo Falls rosé and vomited in my mum’s pond. Nothing’s changed.

“But, ridiculously, he still claims he experiences an ‘unusual reaction’ to alcohol rather than simply admit that he’s a complete fucking lightweight.

“I’m not sure medical science can yet explain why a hypersensitivity to hops would make a sufferer red-faced, rambling and belligerent after two pints of Stella, but perhaps Nathan knows more than they do.

“And the next day’s text saying he can’t believe he feels so dreadful given that he didn’t drink that much, saying it’s his ‘syndrome’. I’ve told him it’s because he gets pissed quicker than a Yorkshire terrier but he’s having none of it.”

Muir said: “You’d think this terrible accident of body chemistry would stop me drinking. But I won’t let it beat me.”

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25-year-old who says she feels ‘ancient’ told to shut the f**k up

A 25-YEAR-OLD who spent her birthday complaining about being ‘basically middle-aged’ has been advised by older friends to shut the f**k up.

Eleanor Shaw spent the whole evening bemoaning the end of her youth and the fact that she will not be able to get a railcard next year, while everyone in their 30s and 40s tried to bite their tongues.

The final straw came when Shaw claimed she could see a grey hair, whereupon her 54-year-old mother told her to ‘get off her bullshit right now’.

Friend Carolyn Ryan, aged 37, said: “She wants wrinkles? I’ll show her wrinkles that will haunt her nightmares.

“There is nothing more narcissistic than a 25-year-old blonde girl claiming she’s old. Her memories of school are fresh and recent. She literally doesn’t know what old is.

“Her mum’s got arthritis, her brother’s going through a painful divorce, her granny’s massaging her varicose veins right there in front of her, but she’s like ‘OMG! I’m, like, a dried-up old hag!’

“Just you wait, you little shit. Just you wait.”