Britons wondering how you go about starting a coup

THE UK is wondering just how one would forcibly remove an unpopular leader with no democratic mandate hell-bent on ruining the country.

Britons are now musing on what it would take to bring such a thing about and if there is anything they are able to do to help it along.

Tom Logan of Ludlow said: “My brother-in-law’s in the army. I could ask him.

“I mean I’d always thought of coups as bad, but you reach a point when seeing a soldier presenting the Ten O’Clock News would come as something of a relief. At least they’re adults.

“Surely if Burkina Faso can manage eight coups since 1980, we could pull off a little one, or even just a putsch. I’d prefer bloodless, though obviously you have to be flexible.

“We just need a military strongman, a load of tanks in the streets, and some light shelling of a palace and we’re away.

“I’m happy with anyone in a vintage army jacket festooned with medals being in charge. Can’t be worse.”

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Hurry up and die, government tells Baby Boomers

CABINET minister Sajid Javid has told the Baby Boomer generation that if they could just hurry up and die all Britain’s problems would be solved at a stroke.

Javid said that initially he was only considering a mass cull of Baby Boomers to solve the housing shortage, but it quickly became apparent that it would remedy every problem facing the country.

He continued: “Brexit’d be out the window, for a start. No more retired xenophobes voting like crazy whose delusions of lost grandeur we have to indulge means no more economic suicide.

“There’d be plenty of nice big houses spare once they’ve stopped rattling around in them complaining about lazy young people while sucking up massive pensions, and the NHS would have capacity to spare.

“We could legalise cannabis, make golf illegal, and everyone could stop pretending the Beatles were anything more than a shitty boyband with pretensions.

“Yep, it’s the universal panacea. So if you could all just fucking die.”

68-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “I am the most important person in Britain and have been all of my life.

“If I died, you would all cease to exist.”