Scots buying cheap booze from England admit they’ll have drunk it all before they get home

BOOZE cruises from Scotland to England will fail because none of the alcohol will make it home, Scots have admitted.

Scotland’s minimum alcohol price means that, in theory, Scots could save money by travelling south, buying drink cheaply and taking it back home, were this not entirely contrary to the Scottish character.

Bill McKay, from Glasgow, said: “I could save thousands a year by getting my tins in England, but England is no place to be sober.

“You have to be pished to put up with the arrogance, the accents and the possibility of bumping into Nigel Farage.

“Only a Caledonian Odysseus could battle through the hordes of Brexiters on one side and posh Tory twats on the other, all the while ignoring the siren call of the crate of Famous Grouse in the boot.

“But it’d still be worth it to go down there, get absolutely reekin’ and show my arse to some poncey wee fucker.”

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‘We have created monsters’, says shopper looking at Candy Cane flavour crisps

A SHOPPER contemplating the range of new seasonal crisp flavours believes humanity has created the monsters that will be its doom.

Mary Fisher of Northampton stood in the crisp aisle of her local supermarket and felt the dark wings of man’s destruction enfold her as she saw what demons our hubris had wrought.

She said: “When the ruins of our civilisation are excavated, when the riddle of our demise is considered, they will find an empty packet of Tesco Finest Limited Edition Candy Cane crisps and wonder no more.

“And when they unearth M&S Bloody Mary Red, Mackie’s Turkey and Haggis Stuffing, and Tyrrells’ Black Truffle and Sea Salt, they will know we were not stalked by a lone horseman but many. So, so many.

“And we have nobody to blame. When a civilisation creates Salted Caramel & Double Cream Kettle Chips, then it wants and deserves a bloody end.

“Fizz & Sparkle Winter Berries and Prosecco Hand Cooked Crisps, finished with a sprinkle of gold stars. Let them be our epitaph. And our warning.”