WITH pubs reopening, are you tempted to pop down for quiz night? Here’s why you should stay the f**k away:
The questions are shit
Your local’s not bothering to compose fun, interesting questions. They’ll simply have a thick volume of obscure trivia and will ask ‘What’s the capital of Tanzania?’ Which if you don’t know, you don’t know.
You actually just want to get pissed
Shortly after the triv begins you’ll remember you just fancied a few drinks and a laugh. Forget that. You are locked into a two-hour process of people intensely filling in forms and shushing you when you talk.
There are professional teams
Every pub quiz will have at least one team of porcine middle-aged nerds who know the atomic weight of Strontium and the year Franklin D. Roosevelt died. You can’t beat them, except you already have because you’ve had sex.
As players mutter quietly while trying to name Duran Duran’s All She Wants Is, a deathly silence will reign over the hostelry. Great if your idea of a good night is a pint at a funeral.
Pub trivia stakes aren’t high, at best £60 split between several people. Nonetheless f**kers will get on their mobiles to Google every question. It defeats the whole point and they’ll be disqualified, but they will at least have learnt what year The NeverEnding Story was released. (1984.)
You need the toilet
The regimented nature of pub quizzes means everyone goes to the toilet at the same time. This is painful, but at least you can eavesdrop on who won figure-skating gold at the 1976 Winter Olympics as you piss.
Even if you win, you’re the arsehole
This isn’t Slumdog Millionaire, where your answers come from your crazy life. The only way to win is to know dull-ass shit like the year the Suez Canal opened and the names of all Japan’s islands. That’s not stuff you pick up during a fun and fruitful existence. You lose.