12 occasions Britons can only survive with a cup of tea

THERE are times in any British person’s life which would not be survivable without the cool, soothing balm of tea. How many have you been through? 

Anytime you get back home from somewhere

If you’ve arrived home and not put the kettle on, have you not really arrived home or are you not really British? It’s one of the two.

When somebody comes to your house

It remains in law as of 1761 that no matter who visits you, be it friend, plumber or arresting officer, you must make them a cup of tea. Or the country is the worse.

When something bad happens

Whether you’re dying, dumped or arrested for murder, someone is guaranteed to say ‘Let’s have a nice cup of tea’ and make everything better again, briefly.

When something good happens

Won the lottery? Got a new job? Cleared of murder? If you’ve something to celebrate, that calls for a nice cup of tea. Before getting the booze out.

Just before you go out

You’re about to go out for the day, and what if tea’s not available? You desperately need a cuppa before you leave, just like you’ll desperately need a wee 20 minutes later.

When you’ve got loads to do

What will really help you get started on those jobs? A quick break for a fortifying cup of tea.

When you’ve done loads of stuff

How to reward yourself? A celebratory cup of tea. You deserve it.

After a big dinner

You know that feeling when you are so full all you can manage is three cups of tea and an entire tin of biscuits?

First thing in the morning

Let’s face it, no true Brit can start the day without a cup of builders’ nectar.

When you get to work

Let’s face it, no true Brit can start the working day without a second cup of builders’ nectar.

In a hospital

Hospital tea tastes like shit, but it’s still better than visiting someone without the shield of tea at all.

When it’s raining at the seaside

Watching the rain lash the sands while warming your hands on a fresh cuppa is what it is to be British and should be on the citizenship exam.

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Five insanely questionable videos from MTV's golden age

FOND memories of the golden age of MTV? Wrong. It was full of wild and terrible shite like this: 

Dancing in the Street – David Bowie and Mick Jagger

Generations raised in the 80s thought Bowie and Jagger were uncool twats for decades after this. Rock royalty should be too big to fail, but prancing like drunken uncles at a wedding in a blouse and a leopardskin jumpsuit with trenchcoat did what cocaine, Nazi salutes and Altamont couldn’t. Disturbing, batshit and humanising.

Nothing Bad Ever Happens to Me – Oingo Boingo

A man gets out of a bath that immediately sets on fire. A small person sits in a crib dressed as a baby. Three singing heads are served up on a platter for three women with awful hair. It’s a four-minute, low-budget David Lynch film but shown to kids during the day.

You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) – Dead or Alive

It’s nice to think someone heard this song and realised the music video had to be the band on a lazy Susan being slowly wrapped in toilet paper. Pete Burns dancing around in purple pyjamas and an eyepatch solidifies its status as the kind of video you have unsettling dreams about being trapped in.

Can’t Fight This Feeling – REO Speedwagon

What could be a touching tale of growing up being watched over by a mediocre 80s soft rock band is made downright weird by the inclusion of some dire special effects, including a JPEG of a candle floating out of a window and a man opening shutters, seeing a host of static-faced people and smiling approvingly.

Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart

During this wildly overwrought power ballad, Bonnie remembers her time teaching at a mental asylum which had been turned into a boarding school for possessed children with glowing eyes. A commonplace experience of the times, though f**k all to do with the actual song.