Six ways to justify getting drunk even though it's Tuesday

IT’S a cold, wet Tuesday under lockdown with Britain in crisis. But if you need other reasons to hit the drink tonight, try these: 

You can

That’s right. You’re a grown-up, so if you want to knock back 12 cans of Strongbow and pass out on the couch that’s up to you. Make sure it doesn’t become a habit or that couch could turn into a park bench and that Strongbow could turn into, well, it’d still be Strongbow but either way.

It’s nearly the weekend

If Thursday is the new Friday then Wednesday is the new Thursday so Tuesday is kind of the new Saturday night. That makes sense, or it will after a few drinks.

The economy needs stimulating

Nobody’s going out and spending enough. If you don’t act, the economy will collapse. It’s your solemn responsibility to first stimulate the alcohol sector, then go shopping online.

You’ve been on time for work twice in a row

Looks like you’ll be a CEO soon, so celebrate while you’ve still got the free time. Let loose with a bottle of gin then arrive late and hungover before forgetting your password and throwing up in the disabled loo.

Can you really be drunk off eight cans of Stella?

Don’t go driving a car or operating any heavy machinery or anything but it’s only eight cans of a relatively weak lager. It just takes the edge off the week, that’s all.

It’ll be a laugh

Oh come on, don’t be so boring. It’ll be a laugh to get blind drunk with three days of the week left to go. Get out of your comfort zone.

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Couple staying unhappily married to avoid dating apps

A COUPLE has decided to stay married despite not really liking one another because online dating looks horrendous.

Emma and Tony Howard have agreed that however bad their marriage is, putting up it until one of them dies seems a better option than Tinder.

Emma said: “What I have with Tom is comfortable. It’s a comfortable level of loathing, and I’ve learned to zone out and ignore the constant urge to punch him in the face.

“But on Tinder, I’d be looking at an infinite gallery of f**kboys all of which I’d probably hate just as much, and even worse they’d be judging me. I can’t cope with that, not at my age.”

Tony agreed: “Those apps are a meat market. And I’m just not comfortable with sending strange women pictures of my penis immediately after saying ‘hello’. I don’t think it would get good reviews.

“Emma and I have come to a mutual understanding that if we can get through this until we’re dead, we’ll never have to look at each other’s faces again. That’s what keeps us going.

“And when I have an affair I’ll do it the way my dad always did: with someone from work.”