A guide to homeworking by a clearly insane homeworker

THE whole of Britain is homeworking now, apart from people with proper jobs. Susan Traherne, a homeworker driven mad by solitude, explains how: 

Get up in the morning

Make sure you get up at a normal time, and by get up I mean take the duvet off at least 35 per cent of your body, and by a normal time I mean to let the postman know you’re onto his little game by shouting ‘Anything from the Illuminati?’ as he passes.

Change into day pajamas

I realised the classification of ‘clothing’ and ‘pajamas’ was arbitrary and unnecessary and mind control in 2016 when I was on a particularly tough deadline. They’re all pajamas. Put on some that match your aura or your brain will begin to oscillate.

Simulate a commute

Lock yourself into a badly-lit room, sway back and forth, read a copy of the Metro you’ve drawn yourself on kitchen roll and throw money in the bin while weeping to simulate a typical commute. Helps give the day rhythm.

Eat proper meals

Being at home, it’s easy to snack your way through the whole day. That’s what they want you to do. Instead make a full roast dinner at noon every day and eat it with the curtains closed.

Talk to people who aren’t there

Stay off social media. It’s aliens from behind the moon. Instead have lively, animated conversations with fellow office workers who you’ve been imagining for years now. Try not to snap when they leave passive-aggressive notes in the kitchen.

Enjoy the advantages

Finally, enjoy doing all the things you can’t do in an office like watching porn, doing bong hit every 15 minutes, and howling. You’ll love it so much, you won’t want to go back!

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Support group set up for people who can't decide what they feel like for lunch

A SUPPORT group has been set up for anyone struggling with the painful issue of not being quite sure what they fancy for lunch. 

Emma Bradford, whose job in central London leaves her exposed to a highly stressful array of food choices, can lose whole mornings trying to decide what she’s in the mood for.

She said: “From the moment I wake up, the anxiety’s there. What if I get it wrong again?

“I spend hours flip-flopping between different options. Should I be adventurous and go for street food? Or give my heart what it truly desires and have a pub toastie, because grilled cheese is what my heart truly desires?

“By the time noon rolls around I’m a mess. Is soup worth the money? Do I actually like sushi? Is the meat in those tubs at the burrito bar really what they say it is? Will a simple sandwich feel like a missed opportunity?

“Now I’m finally getting help. Sitting in a circle with other people who admit to spending 15 minutes hovering at the aisles in Pret before giving up and making a dash for Leon has made me feel far less alone.

“It helps me cope with the pressure and live with my mistakes. Yesterday I had an entire family bag of Sainsbury’s Bacon Crispies for lunch, but I’ve forgiven myself and today is a new day.”