Cultured friend knows how to harass women in French

A MAN is such a continental sophisticate that he can catcall passing women in fluent French, his impressed mates have confirmed. 

Julian Cook amazed his pals by delivering leering, sexist comments at a group of passing women in flawless French when it was clear English was lost on them.

Friend Stephen Malley said: “They clearly understood what he’d said. You could tell by the disgust on their faces.

“This is a game-changer. We need to get a lads’ trip to Paris organised pronto.”

Cook said: “I simply enjoy improving my linguistic palette of seductive talents. It’s so much classier to yell ‘suck my dick’ across a busy street in the language of Molière and de Beauvoir.

“And I think women really appreciate a man telling them what a fantastic ar*e they’ve got in their own language. It shows that extra bit of respect.

“I can also catcall in Spanish, Italian and very basic Dutch. I won’t do German. It’s just too harsh a language for such beautiful sentiments.”

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Naturally unsociable shut-in Italians taking easily to quarantine

ITALY, a country of uncommunicative recluses who shun physical contact, is adapting easily to nationwide lockdown according to citizens. 

A nation of people renowned for staying in, avoiding any kind of religious or sporting gatherings and never hugging strangers has barely had to change its habits at all to follow new coronavirus restrictions.

Adriano Gabrieli of Milan said: “It’s not like we spend hours in cafés anyway. As a people, we pretty much keep ourselves to ourselves.

“Also we’re notoriously sticklers for obeying rules and place all our faith in science rather than relying on some abstract higher power to save us, so it couldn’t have happened to a more suitable country.

“Staying home’s no problem. Certainly none of us will get involved in passionate, voluble arguments with family members and walk out slamming doors, and also we’re not given to extra-marital affairs.”

He added: “Supermarkets sold out of pasta? No, of course not. That would only happen in a total coglione of a nation.”