Lush 'only brand that can be smelled from space'

ASTRONAUTS on the International Space Station have confirmed that the odour of a Lush shop can be detected 250 miles above the Earth’s surface. 

Lush, famous for their handmade soap and fragranced bath bombs, have celebrated the news as a triumph for themselves and their inescapable cloying aroma.

A Lush spokesman said: “We were bored of merely stinking out Britain’s high streets. Every brand likes to grow and set big goals.

“The smell was first detected by Russian cosmonaut Alexander Skvortsov two weeks ago, who angrily accused the Americans of bringing flowers on board, then the Americans caught a whiff and investigations began.

“Eventually they realised the fragrance recurred every time their orbit took them over the three-floor Lush shop in Liverpool. It’s official. We have successfuly conquered space.

“It’s our hope that, if alien life ever discovers our solar system, they will see the mysterious, multi-coloured, lavender-scented swirling sphere of our planet and assume it is just an enormous bath bomb.”

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I am the bog roll king

by Nathan Muir of Hitchin, Hertfordshire

I AM king of the bog roll. I sit on a throne built from 24-packs of only the softest, most absorbant loo paper. None may challenge my reign.

You panic-bought this weekend? Oh, my child. I have been buying up stocks for weeks. I have more toilet roll than anyone in a 15-mile radius, including small shops. It will never run out.

You’ve filled your garage with it? Ah, your naivety makes me chuckle. You remind me of myself, six weeks ago. I have filled my whole house.

I no longer have a bed. I sleep on bog roll. I eat at a bog roll table. I lounge on a supremely comfortable bog roll sofa. Every room in my house is piled to the ceiling with sweet, wonderful bog roll.

Soon, society will collapse. Banknotes won’t be worth, if you’ll pardon my joke, wiping your bum on. There will be only one source of wealth, only one currency. And I have cornered the market.

They will come to me, the former great and good, laid low by their own foulage. They will give me diamonds, titles, positions of great power in return for a single roll of Andrex Skin Kind with aloe vera and chamomile. I will take all as my due.

I am the bog roll king. I am the emperor of the sh*thouse. All hail me.