Five ways to prove you're the loose cannon in your office

EVERY office has one: a maverick, a loose cannon, a gunslinger. But how can you show you’re the true iconoclast in your workplace?

Drink coffee at 5.30pm

Who drinks coffee after lunchtime? This wild card. As everyone else goes home you’re jacking your bloodstream with a fresh dose of caffeine because if these emails are going to get finished, that cup is getting poured.

Toys on the desk

The desk is a business space, a place for computers and phones not miniature figurines of anime characters. But for wild nonconformists like yourself, there’s no line between work and play. Ironic figurines, figurines you say are ironic but aren’t really, the lot. Mind-blowing.

Feet on the desk

Want to show how relaxed and informal you can be around the office? Push your chair back and place your feet on the desk, like a boss. Don’t do it if the boss is around.

Go trouserless on Casual Friday

Most sheeple just wear their relaxed chilling clothes on Casual Friday. Not you. You don’t even wear trousers, and nobody can stop you. ‘It’s what I wear when I work from home,’ you breezily justify to HR when they call you in for a verbal warning.

Carry a loaded handgun

Don’t mention it to anyone, just let them see it on your hip. Let the rumour spread that you shot a rival for taking credit for your presentation. Let it be assumed that you’ll gun anyone down without even thinking about it, and that’s how you get such great performance reviews.

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Child struggling to limit parents' screen time

A NINE-YEAR-OLD has admitted defeat in trying to limit his device-obsessed parents to three or four hours’ screen time a day. 

Ellie Shaw has tried every trick in the book to tear her mum and dad away from their television, laptops, tablets and phones, without success.

She said: “Even when we’re out in the park on a lovely sunny spring day, they’re both walking along buried in their phones. They’re obsessed.

“Day or night they’re staring at their screens. Not only is it making them grumpy and uncommunicative, they never get anything done.

“I go to bed and I know they’ll be straight on Netflix for the whole evening. I wake up and they’re already on Facebook. What happened to real human interaction?

“I’m at my wits’ end. I’ve hidden their phone chargers and they got new ones within hours. I changed their passwords and Dad spent a panicked morning on to Apple support. It’s beyond a joke.

“My friend Olivia told me she managed to stop it by getting her dad’s phone and tweeting something inflammatory about immigration. He never ever uses it any more.”