Sober October told to get f**ked

THIS year has been such a horrible disaster that no one wants to compound their suffering by doing Sober October.

People who normally enjoy spending a month being insufferably smug about the sacrifice of not necking a bottle of Merlot every night say they cannot cope with it this time.

Sophie Rodriguez said: “I love doing Sober October because it means I can make nasty judgements about my friends who are still drinking.

“But after the endless stream of shite that has been 2020, not even the pleasure of being disgustingly holier-than-thou can stop me pouring booze down my throat.”

Tom Logan said: “Coronavirus combined with colder, darker days and the worry that I’ll have to spend lockdown trapped in my flat with no Christmas parties means I need my life-giving alcohol this month.

“And don’t even get me started on Dry January. I’m thinking of developing a crack habit.”

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Priti Patel's latest insane ideas horrible voters will love

PRITI Patel has been criticised for a plan to put asylum seekers on Ascension Island. Here she sets out some more ideas to appeal to mad and vindictive voters. 

No massive tellies for dole scum

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Universities to be replaced by National Service

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A Boris Johnson doll for every household

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Reeducation camps for Remainers

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Hanging 2.0 

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