Saturday, 24th October 2020

UK almost feels sympathy for students for first time in history

BRITAIN is almost feeling sorry for the plight of students for the first time since records began, it has emerged. 

While watching 18-year-olds who have got deeply in debt locked in halls of residence amid coronavirus outbreaks, Britons felt an unprecedented pang of what they were surprised to find was sympathy for the poor f**kers.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “We are witnessing a hitherto unimaginable scenario: widespread empathy for students.

“This upends a rich history, spanning generations and social strata, of writing off young people who want to study as lazy, entitled, booze-swilling, weed-smoking wastes of space who only care about protests and group sex.

“All it took was forcing teenagers who’ve never lived away from home before to face a lifetime of debt to be put under house arrest while watching phone-filmed bootlegs of sociology lectures, and suddenly it’s like they’re human.

“We expect they’ll return to being the hate figures we know and loathe as soon as they’re spotted having fun again.”

MMU student Sophie Rodriguez said: “It’s f**king awful. There’s nothing to do but learn. I can’t wait to get back to booze-swilling, weed-smoking, protesting and having group sex.”