UK almost feels sympathy for students for first time in history

BRITAIN is almost feeling sorry for the plight of students for the first time since records began, it has emerged. 

While watching 18-year-olds who have got deeply in debt locked in halls of residence amid coronavirus outbreaks, Britons felt an unprecedented pang of what they were surprised to find was sympathy for the poor f**kers.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “We are witnessing a hitherto unimaginable scenario: widespread empathy for students.

“This upends a rich history, spanning generations and social strata, of writing off young people who want to study as lazy, entitled, booze-swilling, weed-smoking wastes of space who only care about protests and group sex.

“All it took was forcing teenagers who’ve never lived away from home before to face a lifetime of debt to be put under house arrest while watching phone-filmed bootlegs of sociology lectures, and suddenly it’s like they’re human.

“We expect they’ll return to being the hate figures we know and loathe as soon as they’re spotted having fun again.”

MMU student Sophie Rodriguez said: “It’s f**king awful. There’s nothing to do but learn. I can’t wait to get back to booze-swilling, weed-smoking, protesting and having group sex.”

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Complaining about your cleaner, and four other signs you're a knobhead now

PEOPLE change, and one day you wake up, look in the mirror and realise you’ve become exactly what you despise. Here are the key signs: 

You are now gluten intolerant

You used to wolf down pizza and beer and practically mainlined digestive biscuits, but now you swear to everyone you meet that you ‘feel so much better’ avoiding all gluten. If casually enjoying toast is a thing of the past, so is the loveable person you once were.

You send work emails at 10pm

Remember when you used to hear the ping of an email from your boss late in the evening and wonder what kind of desperate life that person must have, how low they must have sunk, how far they had drifted from who they had dreamed of being? Now you send them.

You have signed up for a triathlon

A marathon is borderline acceptable, relentless requests for sponsorship aside, but doing a triathlon means a whole other level of training, chafing and diet chat that the world was happier without. Have a long, hard talk with yourself or just swerve into a ditch.

You complain about your cleaner

You barely used to wash yourself thoroughly, and now you feel intense irritation when the cleaner fails to descale your kettle or hoover under the sofa cushions. The fact that you justify your resentment because you are ‘paying for a service’ only makes you more of a bellend.

You regularly detox

Whether it’s from alcohol, sugar, fat or social media, anyone who regularly feels the need to detox is just trying to drain the poison from their repellent personality. Remember when you were always toxing up on booze, weed, and whatever crap was on telly after midnight? You had friends then.