Man United awarded further penalty four days later

MANCHESTER United have been awarded a further penalty in last weekend’s match against Brighton & Hove Albion. 

United were already given a penalty after the final whistle, but following an exhaustive 96-hour VAR review referees have concluded there was a second infraction so United must take a second penalty in a game that finished at half-past two on Saturday.

Referee Chris Kavanagh said: “The referee’s decision is final. Four days late and final.

“Luckily United and Brighton meet in the Carabao Cup tonight, so we’ll briefly resume Saturday’s game for a penalty kick that will make no substantial difference to the result of a match everyone had moved on and forgotten about. It’s VAR at its absolute best.

“Would we have done the same if video had detected the ball brushing a United player’s arm? Absolutely not.”

Premier League chairman Gary Hoffman said: “This opens the door for all kinds of retrospective decisions to right footballing wrongs. Leicester winning in 2016, for one.”

Woman giving herself pep talk in mirror accidentally summons Morrissey

A WOMAN giving herself a motivational pep talk in the mirror has accidentally summoned Morrissey.

Anne Jones, 32, invoked the spirit of the former Smiths frontman while attempting confidence-boosting, self-love exercises.

She said: “I had just finished saying the words ‘you are wonderful’ for a third time, when, out of nowhere, Morrissey appeared behind me. It was horrible.”

Morrissey said: “I heard the distant sound of self-congratulatory navel gazing, and my soul was transported here.

“I had been at another engagement, ruining a barbeque by referring to the sausages as ‘burning carcasses’ and loudly threatening to leave.

“I had meant it as an empty threat, but then the faraway echo of unbridled self-indulgence was too delicious to resist.

He added: “However, I soon realised  Anne had been directing her affirmations exclusively at herself, and not at me. Ghastly.”