Why isn't there a Twat History Month, asks twat

A TWAT has challenged the concept of Black History Month by asking why there is not one for twats like himself.

Martin Bishop feels it is wrong that black people get a whole month to celebrate a history too often overlooked when twats have also had a huge impact on world affairs.

Bishop said: “I suppose we’ll be hearing about black Crimean War nurse Mary Seacole again, but what about the twat who ordered the charge of the Light Brigade?

“What about all the twat kings, like George IV? What about our twat prime ministers? Why don’t we celebrate great British twats like Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins?

“Twats are being being whitewashed out of history. They should cancel Black History Month and spend the money on twats. That’s not racist, I’m just standing up for my own culture.

“I want my kids to grow up knowing who designed the Austin Allegro, who invented germ warfare, and who all the stars of TOWIE are. And I believe prejudice against twats is a form of racism, because that’s the sort of twat I am.”

Bishop is currently lobbying his MP to erect a statue of Brexiter and Leave.EU-founding twat Arron Banks in his local shopping arcade, but has received no reply.

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Piss-eyed Tango monster demands everyone say nice things about it

A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is. 

The unnaturally fluorescent mass of insecurities, apparently incapable of understanding basic logic, told press that the real story was how incredible it was and how much everyone loved it.

The thing, which blankly opened and closed a hole in its face even when not speaking as if in an autonomous feeding reflex, was able to respond to human speech but experts believe it is simply mimicry, devoid of meaning.

BBC reporter Julian Cook said: “It appeared to answer questions, but when you read back the answers they’re nothing but a torrent of unconnected words mixed with a keening refrain of pathetic self-praise.

“We believe this creature actually feeds on adulation and has adapted to seek out high concentrations of it, but instead is now exposed to unprecedented levels of toxic criticism causing it to lash out.”

He added: “Its neediness is almost to be pitied, if it wasn’t such a contemptible sack of orange shit.”