The Tory guide to Geordies

ARE you a Conservative politician baffled by the mysterious Geordie folk? Tory MP Norman Steele explains everything about these fascinating creatures: 

What species are Geordies?

Given their imperviousness to cold during nights out, the likely answer is that they evolved from trolls brought over by the Vikings who interbred with the subterranean Vril-Ya. Either way, not human.

What lockdown rules should Geordies be observing?

The prime minister was correct to give a confusing account of lockdown measures in the North East, because Geordies punch police horses and cannot be harmed by a tiny little virus. Once again the government’s handling of the pandemic is flawless.

Can I buy a Geordie for my kids?

A Geordie makes a lovely pet, but sadly EU so-called ‘human rights’ laws prevent you from owning one like a dog. However after Brexit the UK will observe no such standards of basic decency and you will be free to keep one in a cage with an exercise wheel and a supply of ‘parmo’.

How can I learn more about Geordies? 

Certain tamed Geordies, for example Ant & Dec or Cheryl X-Factor, can be safely observed via television. To learn more of their history there is the acclaimed documentary Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

Is it safe to go to Newcastle upon Tyne?

No. But seriously, Newcastle has many of the features of modern society including roads and a ‘university’ similar in principle to Oxford. Learn a few phrases, although ‘Hadaway an’ shite’ will cover most situations.

What is the difference between Geordies and ‘Mackems’?

Mackems are probably shorter and have large webbed feet, like aquatic hobbits. I am the first to admit I have not researched this thoroughly.

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Mid-life crisis reduced to purchase of cycling equipment

MEN are increasingly limiting their mid-life madness to buying bikes they do not really want, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that 43 percent of professional men aged 35-50 have spent more than £500 on a bike without really knowing why.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Historically, men of a certain age have spent their disposable incomes on small fibreglass sports cars that the man in the shop described as a ‘fanny magnet’.

“This would be combined with pointy shoes, brown leather clothing and a hip flask – the objective being an overall sense of virility that would impress ‘dolly birds’.

“So it’s interesting that today’s middle-aged man is choosing instead to spend the disposable income generated by the job he hates on a Tungusku 9000 super-lightweight racing bike made from some sort of space carbon and weighing less than a grape.

“And then riding around on top of it. Wearing spandex. And a plastic hat. Like a total bell-end.

“Clearly these are not the actions of a sexual predator.”

Roy Hobbs, 41, said: “I dressed myself in the gear and looked at myself in the mirror and thought, ‘What have I become?’ I looked like a chunky wasp.

“Maybe I’ll take the bike into the garden tomorrow and smash it with a mallet, while weeping.”