Sunday, 1st November 2020

All the ways leaves will f**k you up this autumn

UNFORTUNATELY it’s autumn, which means dead bits of trees are falling from their branches. Here’s how they plan to ruin your life:

Dickheads think they look nice

See one autumn, you’ve seen them all. Yeah, the occasional Japanese maple looks spectacular, but mostly the leaves go brown and that’s it. Though you’ll undoubtedly get stuck walking behind some prick taking endless photos of them with a massive camera.

You’ll slip on them

By working closely with the rain, damp leaves turn pavements into an obstacle course worthy of Total Wipeout. You could chance it by walking on the road, but there’s always the risk a car could skid on the drizzle-slicked tarmac and take you out.

They delay your train

No train company could possibly have prepared for the unprecedented situation of leaves detaching themselves from trees in autumn, so you’re stuck outside Rugby for three hours while branches rustle like they’re laughing at you.

They’ll remind you of your lost youth

It’s hard to walk past a pile of leaves without being transported back to your childhood, when you’d playfully kick through them on your way home from school. If you did that now you’d look like you were having a breakdown and trying to kill the hedgehog that slept with your wife.

Everything gets clogged

Nobody coos over autumn leaves when they’re smooshed up in drains and gutters. Besides looking bloody ugly they’ve flooded your kitchen and now you’ve got to drop a couple hundred quid on a high-pressure drain blaster to get rid of them. Who cares if they’re red?

Leaf blowers are out in force

These oversized hair dryers make a deafening noise and coax the odd leaf gently and vaguely towards the butter. A man from the council will aimlessly wave theirs about for three hours, then turn it off for twenty seconds so you think they’re done, then switch it back on for another three hours.