The tactless questions to ask when your friend gets dumped

GOT a friend in tears because they’ve just been given the boot by their partner? Make it even worse with these probing and insensitive questions:

Did it come as a surprise?

Or did they flash their ‘I’m about to break your heart and destroy your faith in romance’ hazard lights? Not only patronising, also forces the dumpee to reflect on possible tell-tale break up signs they missed. Excruciating for them, a chance to be a love detective for you.

Why did they do it?

Because you don’t make enough money? Or because you’re shit in bed? Or because you’ve got fat? Or all of the above? Won’t help your heartbroken friend to get closure, but their tear-stained confession will give you something to gossip about.

Do you think you’ll get back together?

Dangling the bogus carrot of reconciliation in front of your friend’s face to give them false hope, only for that hope to be shattered when they text and discover their number’s been blocked, is like being in your very own episode of Hollyoaks. 

Was there somebody else?

Shameless prying and you know it. Asking this should trigger your friend to break down and reveal a torrid saga of flings, escapades and trysts. The more likely story that they just grew apart is boring, so no harm in trying to spice things up a bit.

So they’re definitely single now, yeah?

Because you’re pretty sure that the friend’s ex was always a bit over-flirty and you might have a chance. A simple yes or no will do. There’s no point picking up flowers from the petrol station and dropping round if they’re already shacked up. Try to punch the air discreetly when the answer is ‘yes’.

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Rebekah Vardy to reveal the agony Coleen Rooney put her through and how she may never recover, on ice

FAMOUSLY private person Rebekah Vardy is to haltingly reveal the terrible pain Coleen Rooney caused her and the scars she bears, in a spangly leotard, on ice. 

Vardy, a virtual recluse since Rooney’s vicious and unprovoked Twitter attack left her basically fighting for her life, will bravely step out into the light to perform on Dancing on Ice and discuss her devastation while performing a Biellmann spin with partner Hamish Gaman.

She said: “I don’t want publicity. I’m appearing on this show to clear my name.

“Unfortunately, there’s no public forum in Britain where my side of the story can be heard where I’m not wearing sequins and performing a playful yet witty routine to Elton John’s Crocodile Rock, so Dancing on Ice it is.

“I think when people see my tear-streaked face as I do a waltz jump and get awarded 7.4 by John Barrowman, they’ll finally understand that I was the wronged party in this whole affair.

“Meanwhile Coleen Rooney shuns all offers to appear on Sunday night ITV light entertainment. Which speaks volumes about the kind of person she is.”