Daughters better than sons, mums admit

MOTHERS of daughters have admitted that, despite years of pretending otherwise, having girls is miles better than having boys. 

Reasons cited included girls being less shouty, less violent, less obsessed with video games and at least trying to keep themselves slightly clean.

Mother-of-three Emma Bradford said: “So far today, Jake’s whacked me with a sword, trod on a bee and laughed, and secretly borrowed the red food colouring so he could have an ‘army war’ on the new cream carpet.

“Meanwhile Ruby’s done some colouring-in, played a nice quiet game of Dolls’ Day Out, done her reading and made a little book called ‘Why I Love You Mummy’. I mean come on. I can’t pretend any longer.

“Also, boys are always running at full tilt towards the nearest busy road or deep lake so you have to wear them out with exercise. I’ve spent years clutching discarded jumpers by the side of windswept, muddy fields.

“If you’ve only got girls you spend your Saturdays baking unicorn cupcakes, dressing them up in nice outfits and cuddling. Meanwhile Jake’s just leapt on my back and pummelled my shoulders because he was ‘being a ninja’.

“Boys are shit. Every mum knows it. End of.”

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Meat-eating family of six want to tell you how to save the environment

A LARGE, omnivorous family living in a five-bedroom house with four acres of grounds would like to lecture you on protecting the environment. 

The Shaw family, who only eat organic food because they can afford to, have decided it would be selfish not to share their wisdom on how to preserve the earth for the next generation with the less-enlightened.

Eleanor Shaw, mother of a brood that collectively consumes 14 hectares of agricultural land a year, said: “It’s all about sustainability.

“You make little sacrifices. For example we’re only planning to go on three long haul holidays a year from now on. It all adds up.

“We’ve turned over a quarter of the garden to growing vegetables – chard, purple kale, butternut squash – and my next car will definitely be electric, once I’ve got the value out of the diesel.”

Husband Tim agreed: “It hurts me more than anyone that our lifestyle is so geared towards mass consumption, but we bought this house in 2011 when green issues weren’t really on anyone’s radar.

“What’s important is that we’ve realised now and that we’re evangelising for a more eco-conscious lives for others. The more we help them, the better we can feel about ourselves.”