The Wetherspoons guide to manners and etiquette

RECENTLY a Wetherspoons refused to serve two homeless men. So how can you make sure you are not turned away from this elite drinking establishment? Read our guide.

Have perfect table manners

Your fork should be held in your left hand like a spoon to shovel up your full English, while your right hand should be used to hold your pint. Anything else is simply unacceptable.

Be courteous to ladies

A gentleman always asks a lady if she wants some crisps. Also be sure to pay her regular compliments about her appearance, eg. “You have the most exquisite tits, Kelly-Marie.”

If you should be so lucky as to ‘pull’ a lovely Spoons enchantress, do the chivalrous thing and buy her an extra large doner with everything.

Consider whether your conversation is appropriate

It is bad form to hold forth on topics that may offend the sensibilities of others. Subjects to avoid include: Brexit not being excellent; Britain having an acceptable number of immigrants; why Nigel Farage cannot automatically be prime minister.

Observe the dress code

Ensure your tracksuit is starched and from a respected tailor such as Sports Direct, not a fake brand off the market called ‘Adridas’ which may set you ablaze when you savour a fine cigar or roll-up.

For ladies: Retain your feminine mystique by allowing no more than 25% of your be-thonged arse to be exposed by your jogging bottoms.

Be polite at all times

Coarse language is not tolerated in Wetherspoons. Do not say “Fuck off, d’you want to take this outside?”. Instead say: “May we perambulate, sir, to a suitable arena for a pugilistic exchange?”

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Richard Branson's guide to running things you know f**k all about

HI! I’m Richard Branson and you’re probably wondering how I run healthcare services when I just used to sell cheap records. Here’s how I do it:

Don’t be a boring guy in a suit, be a groovy, creative entrepreneur. Then do everything ruthless business bastards do anyway, such as avoiding tax like the plague.

Suck up to politicians who idolise the private sector. Fortunately this is almost all of them since Thatcher. They’ll think you’re great even if commuters would get to work quicker in a makeshift cart pulled by their dog.

Don’t let lack of expertise deter you. Doing medicine on people sounds daunting, but how hard can it be compared to signing legendary acts like Beenie Man and It Bites?

Do anything for publicity. Claim you’re setting up a Virgin service from Euston to Mars, and you’re going to drive the first one. It’s clearly bollocks but the entire media will show up if you hire a few models.

Negotiate win-win contracts. You might claim to be a fearless free-marketeer, but sign contracts where the government guarantees you a profit if the service is the same or worse but with trendy logos.

Take over natural monopolies and charge whatever you like. What’s anyone going to do? Build another set of tracks and race you with their trains?

Hang out with celebrities. There’s nothing that qualifies you to run NHS services more than kite surfing with One Direction.