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Wayne Rooney, and five other people it wouldn't surprise you to learn were pissed throughout

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time:

Theresa May, prime minister from 2016-2019

A baffling chapter in our nation’s recent history would snap into sense if May was discovered to be throwing back sauce. The multiple Brexit votes on an unchanged bill were because of blackouts, the failure to meet any deadline because time ceases to be real on the Glenfiddich, that conference speech. After all, we spent those years pissed.

The Rosetta team who landed a craft on a comet, 2014

Drunks are capable of astonishing physical feats unavailable to the sober, like throwing a bike tyre up so it lands around a lamppost, then losing interest and wandering off. After getting Rosetta in orbit around a comet and sending a lander down, it hit some rocks and the intoxicated team decided ‘ah well, didn’t work out’ and put a film on.

Wayne Rooney, Manchester United striker, 2004-2017

United’s record goalscorer alternated football and binge-drinking, proving once and for all that alcohol is no barrier to achievement and we should all drink on weekday mornings. Did nothing with England, proving even alcohol has limits.

Doctor Who, Time Lord, 1963-2025

Deep into a serious session, you’re continually surprised by what’s behind doors. You constantly lose and then re-find companions. Caught up in urgent adventures you barely comprehend, all the backgrounds seem interchangeable. This has been the Doctor’s life for millennia. ‘You can get an Uber from here,’ he slurs, dropping an air hostess off in the Ice Age.

Peter Higgs, theoretical physicist, 1929-2024

“Right, you know everything, right? Made up of these tiny particles, really minuscule bastards. But you know even them? Made up of this other shit we can’t even see but can sort of infer from behaviour and bollocks? Yeah well I know how they do it. And they’re going to name a field after me, and a, and a f**king BOSUN. Another pint?”

The audiences of Shakespeare comedies, 1592-ongoing

Back in the Bard’s time, water was dangerously full of disease. It was far safer for everyone, even children, to drink small beer which might be weak but was still beer. Hence reeling hammered into the Globe and finding As You Like It piss-funny. Today’s middle-classes follow much the same pattern except their children are on iPads.

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Middle class wives and other things eastern European migrants are obviously not eating

ROYAL Parks have debunked Farage’s claim that eastern Europeans are eating swans. For the avoidance of doubt, neither are they snacking on these:

Middle class wives

The Baltic states are home to a rich variety of culinary delights, such as kugelis, cepeliani potato dumplings and beet soup. None of these recipes call for prime cuts of women in their mid-50s from the Cotswolds to be slow cooked in the oven for 13 hours. So when the Mail inevitably starts reporting this in a couple of months, ignore it.

The King

His fingers may look plump and succulent, but the King has little dietary appeal to eastern Europeans. Not only is he difficult to source, his 75-year-old flesh is likely tasteless and stringy. Plus there’s the whole chore of having to pick the edible bits of his carcass apart from his bones and crown. Also, most importantly of all, migrants are not cannibals. Maybe write that down so you don’t forget.

Big Ben

Of course migrants aren’t going to eat Big Ben, but not because hordes of Unite the Kingdom protestors have deterred them from devouring the proud London landmark. It’s more to do with the fact that it’s an iron bell housed in a tower made of bricks and limestone, which human organs tend to have difficulty digesting.

The NHS

Eastern Europeans tend to enjoy eating meaty, smoky food, along with plenty of comforting breads and pastries for good measure. The NHS would be far too abstract for their refined palettes, and they’d end up pushing a waiting list around their plate before discreetly throwing it in the bin when nobody’s looking. That won’t stop Farage from weaponising their lack of gratitude, though.

You

The thought of eastern Europeans eating swans was merely an appetiser to get your paranoia worked up. Farage eventually wants to terrify you into voting for Reform UK by making you think they’re coming for you next like the bogeyman. This is not the case. Like you, they will opt for a Greggs sausage roll or a Boots meal deal while getting confused about what is and isn’t included.

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