WHO confirms it's okay to piss in the garden after four drinks

THE World Health Organisation has advised men that as long as they have consumed a minimum of four alcoholic drinks they are fine to urinate in the garden.

The official guidelines mean that men who have consumed only three drinks are obliged to use a toilet, whilst those who previously thought the limit was six can now water the perennials whilst still able to stand.

A spokesman said: “The bottom line is: once you’re three cans in, let your lawn be your urinal.

“We felt it was necessary to issue clarification because many men were not draining the lizard until reaching a level of drunkenness far greater than necessary.

“Others were letting loose in the ornamental pond after just one G&T, which is lazy and unacceptable. Now we’ve put a set of standards in place there’s no excuse.

“The level for pissing in the kitchen sink remains unchanged at 12 drinks. Special dispensation can be given if you live in a flat.”

Heavy drinker Tom Booker said: “My apartment has a balcony, so technically I’m taking a leak on the downstairs neighbour’s garden furniture. What’s the rules about that?”

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The shit social gatherings you'll go to this weekend

ALTHOUGH things are returning to ‘normal’, the pandemic is still making life shit. Here are five social gatherings to attend which will prove incredibly disappointing.

A damp picnic

You’re really excited to see your mates but, due to a combination of local lockdowns and paranoia, the only place you can hang out is a park. Unfortunately, the rain will flow freer than the conversation, because no one has anything to say since you’ve done f**k all for six months.

Canal paddle boarding

Nothing livens up a staycation like a nasty cut from a submerged shopping trolley. Paddle boards were once the preserve of hipster twats, but now the canals are heaving with middle-class families who should stay in their gardens and not hog spaces that rightfully belong to people with flats the size of salad spinners.

Shopping

Fancy a post-lockdown clothes shopping binge? It sounds fun in theory but after visiting just two shops and having a panic attack about whether a germ-ridden person tried those jeans on before you, you’ll scuttle home empty handed.

Garden party with uninvited neighbours

When will the neighbours stop thinking they’re your friends? They were useful during lockdown because of their access to strong bread flour, but that doesn’t mean they can hop over the fence every time you fire up the barbecue and give you a tedious explanation of their new courgette irrigation system.

A meal out

The government has ruined going to restaurants with the Eat Out To Help Out scheme. Now food is back to a normal price it seems like an outrageous extravagance and you can’t help wondering if the veal jus is thinner due to the tears of some poor kitchen porter whose job is on the line.