Woman using homeopathy to treat coronavirus thinks vaccines are dangerous

A WOMAN using homeopathy to treat the coronavirus she has caught is glad she was not vaccinated against it because it might be dangerous.

Alternative therapist Francesca Johnson has also been using healing crystals and meditation to fight off a disease that has killed almost a million people because she thinks Western medicine is a ‘scam’.

Johnson said: “All those people wouldn’t be in intensive care if they’d tried alternative therapies. It’s probably taking paracetamol that put them there, not Covid.

“I made my remedy by coughing in a jar of water then took a drop and diluted it again 200 times. It took ages but that’s one hell of a powerful homeopathic Covid cure.

“Homeopathic water and some Ayurvedic herbs is all I’ve taken. Admittedly I do feel dangerously unwell, but that’s only because my chakras aren’t properly aligned yet. I’ve got some breathing exercises for that.

“No, I definitely won’t be having a vaccination when they find one. It’s very dangerous and could kill you. There are no such risks with unproven quack remedies from the 18th century.”

Johnson’s boyfriend Steve said: “I’m just waiting until she’s so incapacitated that I can call a proper doctor.”

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The shit-stirrer's guide to catching up on office politics

ARE you worried that working from home has made you fall behind in your duties as a toxic office nuisance? Regain lost ground with these tips:

Say your colleagues are ‘looking well’

This veiled insult is the quickest way to undermine someone’s confidence. Superficially it’s a compliment, but really you’ve just implied they normally look terrible. Say it with great surprise, hinting that they are unhealthily fat, might have a drink problem, or are just hideous to look at. 

Organise 1-2-1 meetings

The divide and conquer of office politics. Get your hapless colleagues into a meeting room on their own and extract all of their flaws and weaknesses while pretending to be sympathetic. Pass on these shortcomings to your boss in a devious way, eg. “It’s a shame Lucy hates working here”, when all she said was she gets bored doing spreadsheets.

Suggest your boss fires someone

Become an agent of chaos by just casually putting it out there to your boss that the team could save money by trimming some of the professional fat. However make sure you’re buddies with your manager or you might find yourself fired for being a twat who wastes all their time on office politics.

Sign off every email with ‘regards’

This will create a whiff of aloof condescension that will linger in people’s minds. Do you like the recipient, or do you hate them? It’s impossible to tell and that’s just the way you like it.

Host a bake sale

A fantastic opportunity for passive-aggressive office politics. Force everyone into a deceptively fun task then criticise every facet of their effort like a corporate Paul Hollywood. Meanwhile you can look good by passing off an M&S rainbow layer cake as your own and saying “it was nothing really”.