Woman asked for ID once tells story ten times

A 39-YEAR-OLD woman asked for ID when buying alcohol will not stop banging on about it, sources have reported.

Francesca Johnson has so far told all her friends, five acquaintances, her neighbour and a random stranger walking his dog about the ‘embarrassing’ incident.

Johnson said: “I didn’t understand what the girl in Waitrose said at first. Can you believe it? I thought it was a new Covid rule!

“I explained I had two children, laughing because it was so daft, and she just shrugged. ‘My eldest’s taller than you!’ I said.

“She still didn’t put through my wine so I said I hadn’t carried ID for twenty years, and pointed out that I was purchasing a £9 oak-aged Rioja Reserva plus a copy of the Sunday Times, not two litres of WKD!

“Anyway eventually she let me off. Now excuse me, I just need to WhatsApp my old best friend from school to tell her. Now there’s someone who’s aged badly in the face.”

A spokesperson for Waitrose said: “It’s company policy to ask, but we’re considering changing it for middle-aged women who cause long delays with their pealing laughs of gratified hysteria.”

Husband Tom said, “Ah, yes, the story about the ID. I think Francesca is contemplating selling the film rights.”

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GCSE Maths questions for our modern f**ked-up world

MATHS GCSE questions are being updated to make them more relevant to our modern world of electric scooters and videogame streaming. Can you answer them? 

1) Meghan Markle leaves her house at 8.47am to walk 1.2 miles as a fancy Hollywood form of exercise. Her average speed is 3.7 miles per hour. How many pages will the Daily Mail devote to her the following day?

2) Your close friend, who happens to be a Cabinet minister, awards you a bid-free contract to supply £1.75m worth of PPE for 18 hospitals within 31 days. What is the maximum percentage profit you can make out of the deal without attracting negative press?

3) A BMW driver travels from Penrith to Wakefield, a distance of 114 miles, starting at 10.11am and finishing at 12.26pm. How many times will he use his indicators?

4) A UK manufacturing business produces 12,000 widgets per month, exporting 60 per cent to the EU. Each widget costs 0.73p to produce and sells for 1.1p. With shipping costs increasing by 42.5 per cent because of Brexit, how long before the company has to make redundancies?

5) An NHS nurse works an average of 3.78 hours overtime each shift during a pandemic, for an average salary that is 27.2 per cent that of a backbench MP. What percentage pay rise will the nurse receive from the Government?

6) Marks & Spencer sells 17,987 individual items. Today, 153 of those are Percy Pig-branded items. Three years ago, Marks & Spencer only sold one Percy Pig-branded item. Given a continued rate of expansion, how many months before every single item sold by Marks & Spencer is a Percy Pig-branded item?

7) A couple have a sign in their kitchen that says ‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain’. What is the probability, expressed in terms of a percentage, that they use the phrase ‘gin o’clock’ in casual conversation?


1) Eight pages
2) 100 per cent profit by not supplying any PPE and getting a D-notice on the press
3) None
4) The company has already filed for bankruptcy
5) A real-terms cut of .5 per cent
6) 16-18 months
7) 100 per cent