WANT to briefly kid yourself that you’re trying to get in shape? Here are five exercises you won’t be arsed with for more than a week:
Planking
Even though just changing into your running shorts makes you break a sweat, you somehow think this isometric core exercise will be a breeze. After nearly dying from a ten-second set, you’ll decide your abs are toned enough anyway then order a pizza to recover.
Crunches
This is pretty much just sitting up, right? How hard could it be? Very. A couple of crunches will send your heart rate through the roof, and further attempts will give you a hernia. You’re better off placing your glutes on the sofa and performing the six-hour channel-hopping exercise you’ve already mastered.
Three push-ups
Training montages in 80s movies have given you a false impression of how difficult push-ups really are. You’ll quickly find your limp, atrophied biceps will struggle to heave your bloated mass off the ground three times in a row, let alone the set of 20 you naively thought you’d be capable of as a beginner.
Thinking about pull-ups
You don’t even need any equipment to perform this exercise, simply type ‘pull-up bars’ into Amazon then scroll through the results while making thoughtful noises. Five minutes of performative consideration should do the trick before you decide your landlord would never let you drill a metal pole into their door frame anyway. Shame.
Watching workout videos on YouTube
Sitting through videos of toned twenty-somethings showing you how to pump iron is the most exhausting exercise of all, not least because your thumb gets really tired clicking through all of the ads. Warm down by eating a packet of Hob-Nobs and having a nap.
