Richard Curtis to make unbearably smug middle-class Covid film

RICHARD Curtis has announced he is making Covid Actually, a film where posh, entitled people bumble their way charmingly through the pandemic.

Boris Johnson will play himself in the lead as the haphazard posh dickhead prime minister, complete with perplexed, boy-child persona, irritating rumpled hair and having sex with employees.

The cast will also include Emilia Clarke, Olivia Colman, Tom Hiddleston, Eddie Redmayne and Florence Pugh, all playing painfully middle-class Londoners frightfully inconvenienced by lockdown but charmingly winning through regardless.

Curtis said: “The plot centres around Johnson blithely f**king things up and then making increasingly ham-fisted attempts to save the day while a network of friends and acquaintances weather lockdown by having large houses, large gardens and delightfully tousled children.

“Any grimness or lurking sense of dread will be covered by pretty shots of twinkly lights coming from posh shopfronts, log fires or anything else that is not an ambulance.

“We’ll watch them live, laugh, still go on foreign holidays, care for each other and never mention anyone in the social classes below theirs because that would make everyone uncomfortable.”

Wet Wet Wet will reprise their classic Love is All Around, reworked as Covid is All Around to send a crucial message to the less fortunate. But Curtis denied that the villain will be based on Priti Patel, saying that “even evil characters have to be believable as human beings.”

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Couple don't realise they are having two entirely separate conversations

A MARRIED couple are having two entirely separate conversations without realising it.

Oliver and Charlotte O’Connor have both been talking about their respective days without noticing that the other party has not shown any indication of giving a shit about what they are saying.

Oliver said: “I was furious that Nathan asked me to cover the finance meeting when he knew I had a Zoom with Nikki.”

To which Charlotte irrelevantly replied: “You won’t believe what Julie from procurement brought in for her lunch.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The occasional use of ‘Mmm’ provides each half of the couple with enough encouragement to keep talking about their own, entirely unrelated tedious crap.

“Our research has found that if most couples listened to the soul-destroying nonsense their partner was saying just three per cent more of the time, there would be a corresponding 86 per cent rise in divorce.”

Charlotte said: “If I’m honest, I know Oliver is desperately boring but I’m scared of Tinder, so I plan to ignore the fact we’re incompatible indefinitely.”