Mum asks if you're on pot

YOUR mum has asked if you are ‘high on pot’ and expects a serious answer, it has emerged. 

Following a conversation about the cultural phenomena of ‘memes’, which your mother has not heard of and yet is vehemently against, you made the mistake of giggling and were immediately questioned about your drug use.

Your mum continued: “I’m serious about this. Are you smoking these skunks I’ve read about? Because that is very dangerous.

“I wondered at Christmas, when you found it so funny that I’d left my oven glove in the plate warmer. That’s not normal to find that so funny, I thought.

“It’s not like when your dad used to smoke wacky baccy before we were married. It’s much stronger now. You can turn mentally ill after one toke. I saw it on Victoria Derbyshire.

“You’re laughing again. That proves it. I want you to take your stash of gear and flush it down the loo, right now. I can help with the cold turkey. I’ll drive over with a flask of soup.

“If you like I can bring some of that leftover Tramadol I got prescribed after my knee op. That’s harmless and it might help your shakes.”

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'Heavy flow' and four other phrases to make your dad leave the room

NEED to get your elderly father out of your immediate vicinity? Try out these phrases and watch him instantly remember something he needed from the kitchen:

Heavy flow

Commenting on your flow or even anything vaguely related to periods will immediately get your dad moving towards the door. Throw in that it has been particularly heavy, however, and he will be gone faster than you can say ‘super plus ultra absorbency’.

Pelvic floor

Your dad doesn’t even know what a pelvic floor is, just that it’s somewhere in the vicinity of ‘down there’ and women talk mysteriously about how it ‘goes’ and they need to do exercises to strengthen it. It’s best ignored, which he can achieve by going out into the garden for three hours.


He isn’t entirely sure what this is, but he is sure that he doesn’t want to find out. This word sends him into such a panic that even if you were using it in the context of someone firing a gun he will immediately leg it.

Difficult labour

You were born in the days before men were routinely present in the labour ward, so hearing phrases like ‘cervix dilation’, ‘afterbirth’ and ‘forceps’ are too much for his delicate ears. In fact, as soon as you mention waters breaking he’ll be in the kitchen with 5 Live on at a deafening volume.

Hot flushes

Hot flushes in themselves sound harmless but it’s the other stuff that comes with it that freaks him out. Discuss the menopause enough and your dad will even take up a new hobby to keep him away from the house for weeks, purely out of fear that the situation will escalate to mention of ‘dryness’.