Woman asks for Shiraz because she likes the name

A WOMAN has ordered a glass of Shiraz as she prefers its name to other wines.

Helen Archer drank two glasses of the full-bodied red because she knew Chardonnay was a white and could not remember any others apart from Burgundy which could be expensive.

She said: “It’s just a lovely name isn’t it, Shiraz.

“I prefer red because after two you don’t want any more, but I mainly seem to know whites. Riesling, Pinot Grigio, that something Blanc one.

“And as all wines basically taste the same, you might has well have the one with the fanciest name. It’s even got a Z in it. Better value.”

She added: “Shit, I should’ve had Rioja. That’s not said how you spell it, so everyone would assume I speak Spanish.”

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Northerner banished to south for saying London was 'okay'

A NORTHERN man has been exiled to the South of England after telling friends London was ‘not that bad’.

Nathan Muir of Clitheroe recently had to spend a week in the poncey arsehole capital for work and dared to say ‘you kind of get used to it’ in front of scandalised friends.

He said: “I opened with all the stuff the price of a pint and how souless and filthy it all is, but then admitted the skyscrapers are impressive, and there’s always somewhere open selling great food, and actually tons of good pubs.

“‘Full of unfriendly bastards,’ my dad said, but I unwisely went on to tell a story about these Essex lads who were a real laugh, then before I could finish I was punched off my chair.

“They’ve told me to pack my houmous and my bloody pop-up cinema and get down there with the stand-up comedians where I bloody belong.”

Mum Sarah said: “No son of mine is going to go around saying positive things about London. Who does he think he is? Dr Samuel Johnson?

“He’s exiled now. The South is his home. Well, technically he could live in the Midlands but nobody’s going to do that.”