YESTERDAY Amanda Holden got naked on Heart FM, proving you can have too much of a good thing. And if these celebs want to try wearing clothes for a change, we’re cool with that.
Britney Spears
Britney Spears dancing topless in her pants was once considered excellent, but now even the worst keyboard pervert is likely to stop drooling and mutter: ‘Is she okay?’ Everyone wishes Britney would cover up more these days, if only because it would be less stressful watching her do a frenzied dance with kitchen knives and a mad glint in her eye if she was wearing a protective duffel coat.
Hugh Jackman
Jackman is frequently photographed topless thanks to his Wolverine muscles, which is a problem for men. It’s not jealousy, it’s knowing that muscles get harder to maintain as you grow older, conjuring a horrific mental image of 55-year-old Hugh pushing himself too far one day and all his tendons snapping like rubber bands, leaving him an amorphous fleshy blob on the floor of his home gym. Logan was good, but not worth becoming a hideous crime against nature for. And certainly not The Greatest Showman. That was shit.
Amanda Holden
Oh for a peek inside the febrile mind of Ms Holden. What opaque, Charles Foster Kane-style motivations drive her to constantly hop into lingerie, pose naked or mime to Celine Dion in her undies in her garage? It can’t be money, her career is doing fine – she’s on Britain’s Got Talent and now RuPaul’s Drag Race. And if it’s attention she craves, she’s as famous as she’s likely to be without murdering someone. Although if you had Jedward in mind, please don’t rule that out, Amanda.
Nicole Scherzinger
There are more swimwear shots of Ms Scherzinger than there are atoms in the universe. FACT. The problem is that it’s a hollow achievement, posing no challenge for her. Nicole is super-rich, goes on many exotic holidays, likes a dip in a luxury pool and looks great in a bikini. If she posed in the freezing, intestinal bacteria-infested waters of Blackpool North beach after putting on 60 pounds, we’d be impressed, although we’d feel a bit guilty for putting one of the Pussycat Dolls in hospital with hypothermia and dysentery.
Barry Keoghan
We’ve seen a lot of Barry in the buff recently, first in the famous Murder on the Dance Floor scene in Saltburn, then in photoshoots asking him to recreate it. He’d be the first to admit he’s not conventionally good-looking, and he reminds you of one of the weird-looking kids you were at school with, but disturbingly naked. Put some f**king clothes on, Barry, before we start having nightmares about you chasing us round the woodwork room with your dangling cock.
Heidi Klum
In any other job, Heidi Klum’s workaholic tendencies would be cause for concern. She keeps the lingerie pictures coming like Qashqais out of a Nissan factory and even going to a party involves some complicated nonsense like dressing as a sexy scarecrow. Plus she’s got a Mini-Me now, daughter Leni, effectively doubling the output of Klum underwear pictures. Seriously, use up some holiday, Heidi. You might end up having to take months off with work-related stress, and how will retired Daily Mail readers have a wank in the shed then?
Bianca Censori
Even slim former model Bianca struggles to carry off the look Kanye has chosen for her. It’s really not normal to wear outfits that show your nipples and vagina all the time, although it might be marginally preferable to dressing like Kanye himself, who appears to have gone for the popular ‘ISIS executioner’ look. They say chivalry’s dead, but if someone held an appeal for clothes for Ms Censori, every man in Britain would donate their best Guns N’ Roses t-shirt and jogging pants.
