Amazon offers great new way to complicate your life

AMAZON has unveiled a new service designed specifically to distress pensioners and the technically inept.

According to the company, AutoRip will separate true music fans from aimless dilettantes by a process of ‘natural digital selection’.

Stephen Malley,  Amazon’s head of consumer alienation, said: “People will be forced to prove they are worthy of enjoying the entertainment they purchase by learning to understand complex binary coding.

“At the moment millions of consumers can enjoy music in any way they choose, which means people are buying Tom Odell albums.

“We want listening to music to require as much effort and energy as a Level Four Sudoku.”

He added: “Most people in the UK aren’t qualified to appreciate good tunes. The best tracks tend to be the most obscure – and AutoRip immediately makes everything in your collection more obscure.”

Emma Bradford, a descant recorder player from Hull, said: “My last album, Shrill And Alarming, sold poorly because it was released in a climate of casual music consumption.

“Also, the publicist hid the QR codes in a tree.”

She added: “AutoRip will make people realise listening to music can only be rewarding if it is difficult and painful. Which means people will track down my next EP instead of Epic Marbella Hits IV.”

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I love money, says Queen

THE best thing about being monarch is the huge amount of money you get, the Queen has confirmed.

With her income set to increase by five percent next year, the Queen said she planned to continue having an absolutely brilliant time.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “When the Crown Estates accountants presented the latest figures she just put her head back and started laughing quietly to herself.

“Then she smiled and shook her head and said, ’38 million quid a year – it just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?’.”

The spokesman added: “Then she got a list out of her handbag and started going through it.

“First thing she asked was, ‘can I get loads more horses?’ and then ‘what about two really big helicopters – a blue one and a red one?’ Then she announced that she was going to order the longest table in the world.

“When the accountants said that was all fine she just nodded and said ‘nice – nice, nice, nice, nice‘.”

It is understood the Queen later telephoned the King Juan Carlos of Spain, said ’38 million’ and then hung up on him.